Stopping the Madness Step 4

Step #4

Love Your Self

To build a long sustaining relationship we must have a relationship not only with the ones that we love but ourselves.  We spend so much time taking care of others that we forget that we have needs that have not been met.  Though we often have a tendency to push aside our needs that it becomes a volcano ready to erupt which only leads to conflicts in a relationship which could have been avoided from the beginning if only we had set boundaries.  

Relationships are created because the person we are interested in fills the void which we were not able to fulfill ourselves.  Our fulfillment is not always on a consistent level which we have programmed ourselves to do so when the other person is not consistent with their actions we feel that they do not care or perhaps if we do more then the other party will put more effort.  However, we fail to realize that this is obsession. 

 In the previous chapters I have discussed that to control habits of obsession we must first get fired.  This means that it is not our job to fulfill the other persons every need or get so involved in the other person that it directly affects our lives this will only lead to dissatisfaction.  The second chapter emphasized on trying not to fix the other person so that they mold into our world, what we do not realize is that if we do not accept the person as they are kinks and all then we are not accepting ourselves within that relationship.

 Human beings are very fixated on gratification that we all have needs that are often geared from within our selves and always looking attention.  The disappointment becomes a habit so we are always in search of someone better or someone that is more perfect.  But, there is no perfect person and you are NOT perfect either. There is only one perfect thing which is the universal energy. But even universal energy can’t help you when you are imposing another human being in place of it. So what is the solution?

 This solution is simple yet very unique. The best way to love others is love your self and respect your self to its fullest.  This means to find your own energy and the way to do it is:


 Through out our childhood we were often reminded how much we were loved or appreciated or we had no choice but to love our selves unconditionally.  I am sure you remember the times when you had to make your own dinner, put your self to sleep, do your own homework, make your own friends, and basically take care of your self.  We basically nurtured and took care of ourselves. It is not selfish to still do that but at a deeper level. When we give so much of our selves to others we exhaust ourselves emotionally. The emotional deprivation can lead to failing health, depression and even creating chaos in our own relationships.

 According to Judy Hayes book Smart Love,”It is not selfish to nurture our bodies and spirits in fact only after we have nurtured ourselves can we be genuinely and freely loving towards others.”(2001, pg.49).  But we are so used to having others nurture us that we forgot how to nurture ourselves so we look for others to accreditation by giving and hoping for things in return.

 There is a old saying in the spiritual world to find your inner child, however this comes from child hood also meaning if your childhood was full of restrictions therefore, your inner child will to will be restricted.  When you are nurturing your inner child then only can sincerely be nurturing towards others. We absolutely can not expect others to always place us on a pedestal and gloat us all of the time when and if we do then we will be disappointed and even when you do this can only mean that the other person is so desperate for a relationship that when they find someone better than you where they have not do it all of the time this is where they will go.

 To be able to contact your inner child means to contact the universe by taking care of your self.  Began with small steps without expectations such as:

 Be with nature

  • Take a 10 minute walk by your self and connect with nature.  Try to increase this every week.
  • Go to the zoo or the park or go hiking, running or just watch even children play
  • Walk on the beach or a lake-make sure you sit down and exhale for at least 10 minutes

Be kind to your mind

  • Take a 10 minute time out by closing your eyes and thinking about good things.
  • Read a funny book for 10 to 15 minutes a day (laughter is a great medicine)
  • Watch a funny show or at least try once a week.

Be kind to your soul

  • Meditate
  • Listen to soft music (instrumental please)
  • Get on your knees and pray for peace ONLY.

Be kind to your body

  • Stretch every morning or take Yoga Classes
  • Go to the gym or exercise 20 minutes a day
  • Cut back on sweets, salt and anything that is not healthy for you

Be kind to your heart

  • Call up a family member whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say I love you.
  • Call up a friend (not an ex or boyfriend) whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say hello.
  • Call up a colleague or someone you connected on an intellectual level and ask them how they are doing.

 When you take the small steps and do it without asking for one thing in return then you are ready to connect on a more complex level of connecting with your inner child.  This means your thought pattern must change.  This means also that you must look at each situation in a different way. 

For example: If you broke up with someone and you pine over them. Our natural instinct forces us to think in a negative way so that we can justify the break up in our own mind.

 Present thought process: I gave everything to __________.  He/She never gave back to me.  I really tried but I still do not understand why ____________ does not want me anymore.

 New thought process: I did everything I could and I learned a lot.  If I only known what I know now I would be a better person in that relationship. However, this is the Universe’s way of saying I still have a lot to learn and until I can truly apply what I know I can not practice with feelings by going back right away or obsessing over ___________ right now.


For example: If you are in a relationship with someone and they are not being attentive this is also a good example of a friend and relative. They do not either return your calls when you want them to or they do not call you back right away or they are not supportive of you and you feel like you are talking to a wall.  These things may process in your mind such as:

 Present thought process: When I call someone I expect them to call me back.  I am always there for _____________, and they are never there for me.  Perhaps I am too needy and maybe I should back off and give that other person some space.  But I am afraid the moment they call me I will let them have it because it’s not fair.

 New thought process: Maybe ____________is busy or the phone is out of reception area and I am sure he/she will call me as soon as they can because I know they know I have called.  I will call someone else in the mean time.


Last example: I had something horrible happen to me at work and just needed someone to talk to and I just can’t believe that ________________ cut me off.  They did not hear anything I said and abruptly said that they had to go and they are always telling me it’s my fault.  Perhaps it is and may be I should not be so critical and I deserve to be disrespected because what comes around goes around.

New thought process: Maybe _____________was not in a good mood and they had a lot on their mind.  Perhaps I should have asked if they were busy and now I learned.  I will instead go for a walk or do some meditation because this is my problem and I have to deal with it my self.


These are perfect examples of having too many expectations of others as well as looking for approval from others.  Most of the time when we do get approval it is not long lasting because when you bring up when they agreed as was there for you, they may say such thing as that is what I felt then right now I feel this way.  This can only make you feel disappointed.  As I have always said if you come from a dysfunctional family where there was not approval, affection or appreciation then most likely you will try to gain this from others and often times the relationship you are in will also become dysfunctional, and abusive.

 An ability to talk to your inner child must not be in a sarcastic or egotistical way it must be nurturing almost like you are talking to child.  Because you’re inner child has been hidden for so long. Be honest with your self; apologize to your self, reward your self, ask for your forgiveness, ask your self not to be afraid or have insecurities because the universe brought you here to have faith in it not others.  Human beings are just characters in your world they are teachers, friends and especially those that you are suppose to learn from not necessarily someone you can always count on because they have a life too and sometimes you are not a part of it, this does not mean they do not care, but it means they have boundaries and they are also nurturing their inner child.  If they are not then they loose not you because you will be that person who knows who you are and like any rose you will feed it, nurture it, look at it, and most of all fertilize it every day because that rose is beautiful rose and wants to be the most beautiful thing that the universe has ever seen.

Having said that… know I love you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart because you are now reading this and my energy brought you here that means that I was able to capture on minute of your time which means that your minute was ever most precious and I love you for it and I thank you for it.

 Sadly, life caught up to me Friday night and I was not able to air the segment of this topic therefore, I have taken the liberty to post this for those who want to start working on step #4.  I apologize for those who came to my show and I was not able to make it and I promise I will make it up to you.