Obsession We Are Creatures of Habit
Obsession is a very powerful; it emphasizes how we behave towards people, places and things. This type action or reaction can destroy not only our selves, our partners, families but also society.
Many psychologist, theorist and researchers have interrelated obsession to indulgence. Webster Dictionary defines obsession as “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation”(on the web). Therefore, agreeing that obsession is a feeling and we know that feelings are never consistent but always flux depending upon the relationship as well as the environment.
Obsession can also be core root of OCD, hoarding, depression, stocking, murder and even suicide. Sometimes the obsession become so intense that a person would go into manic episodes such as killing sprees and often time they become obsessed with control. Often time obsession occurs because of some sort of an oppression we feel within our selves which enables us to see things as they are and quite often when third parties gets involved they see things unlike those that are obsessed.
Since obsession is control geared, it has oppressive energies we often constrain our selves without knowing it. According to Iris Young’s article Five Faces of Oppression, “While these constrains include distributive patterns, they also involve matters which cannot be easily assimilated to logic of distribution or decision-making procedures” (2004, pg 43). In easier terms Young is stating that oppression is a trigger which allows for obsession to constraints us. It also causes us to have only one way of thinking and logic is used only to justify our actions of obsessive behavior.
In social prospective obsession lead to many incidents which originated between two parties which created a spiral of events that affect many societies and social groups. For example, some of you may not agree with my example but please understand I am only going by what I have read. The chain of evidence that has been passed through the criminal justice system may have been contradictory; some of it may have been facts some may have been altered but only OJ and Nicole knew the truth.
The O.J. Simpson Trial, made headlines in world wide news. Some called it a hate murder, some called it stocker and others called it a crime of passion. The crime of passion it was triggered by obsession. Many believe that O.J was so obsessed with his wife so much so that that he did not want anyone around his wife, ie friends, family, associates etc. with this wife. His record shows history of domestic violence with this wife over jealousy and control, and the more she resisted the more volatile the relationship.
The transcripts of his criminal records showed incidents of numerous threatening calls while they were divorced regarding her friendship with other men. The more she tried to resist him –the more intense his obsessive and controlling behavior became where he spiraled out of control. There were records of him sharing intimate conversations with his friends about Nicole’s past life and other issues which were very personal to her. He would make public how many he was dating just to prove to her that she was not that special
The power that was so crucial to OJ was to be a provider; to be the only man in her life played a crucial role to his ego. The more she resisted his controlling behavior the more enraged he became because she now had control of her life and she was moving on. What OJ did not realize is the damage that he had already done to the relationship through speaking about her in public, spreading rumors which she once thought were intimate in nature. What ever she did or did not do now became an obsession to his passion. The obsession now became the poison slowly killed him and if he was dying inside – then he wanted to blame or take care of the problem so that he would not feel sick any longer.
During the course of poison he drove by her home, he drove by the gym she worked out at; he drove by her parent’s house when she was not home. He followed her on dates and embarrassed her so that no one would see her. He would go to every night club, clothing store, grocery store and every where she went to the point that she had to place a restraining order out on him because every where she went he made a scene.
Though, Nicole Simpson never stopped loving O.J but she lost respect, which was to her more detrimental then love it self. The more obsessed he became the more fearful she was the more reports were filed against him. And when O.J could not follow her anymore, call her any more he found another out let for his suppression which was alcohol, drugs and women. Each and every one of them he could control or get lost in for a moment in time.
This example was given to show how control and obsession are intertwined. Because of this obsession it affected the entire society of L.A where the white community felt that justice was not done because of celebrity status and because of everything that happened with the Rodney King’s Trial and it was the way the justice system was trying to balance out the racial disparities. Not only that the children were divided but families were divided additionally societies were divided.
Similar things happen in love relationship when we are so intertwined with the other person that it directly affects our own environment or that we let the other person control our lives. Hence what ever they do directly affects the way we live our lives then we are opening doors to obsession. By the time obsession has streamed its way through the veins of our relationship we have already pushed away all the friends you have all the families and now you are totally intertwined in the other persons life so that we are living the other persons life and no longer ours.
Like a drug, some psychologist calls obsession as toxic and intoxicating painful as alter states in a relationship. According to Jody Hayes in her book Smart Love, “obsessive relationship to a high produced by drug” At first it may seem odd to consider the parallels between characteristic of more obvious forms of addiction such as alcoholism or cocaine addiction, add less obvious addictive characteristics can appear in personal relationships. It seems that some of us that were or are in an obsessive relationship it seems very exciting a state of satisfaction mixed with the lows which are not really in a healthy relationship. There are the high highs’ and there are no Low lows”. In an obsessive relationship we get hooked and this excitement brings the wrong impression of love. In these kinds of relationship we are so filled with insecurities and what the other person would do next is when we confuse love with obsession.
Often time’s obsessive relationships become passion very quickly and it becomes a primary focus of our lives. Because the physical intimacy is the primary and emotional intimacy is secondary and becomes premature like ourselves almost like a child in a candy isle. Many intelligent men and women get so intertwined in obsessive relationship that are not good for them that some people break loose very quickly when they see destructive behaviors which portray it self through control and domination and others caught stuck and get paralyzed so that they can not see the obvious. This kind of behavior continues from one relationship to the other and the relationship eventually fall apart. Some people are not in denial of their continual toxic cycle but they continue to go down this path because they do not know any other kind of behavior.
Even talking about obsessive behavior becomes an obsession so much according to Young, “they may feel they have used up their friends and can no longer turn to them”(2004, pg 93) Either way people feel isolated which only adds more paralyses and despair and oftentimes they go to psychics to psychics, friends to friends and psychologist to psychologist because they don’t like hearing what they hear. After a fortune is spent on false faith and chasing rainbows they come to realize they are now broke, going through depression and have no one left.
Surely, talking about an ex or someone that is in your life during the first month or two is normal because we may miss them or thinking about them but obsessing over them whereas the entire topic of conversation becomes about your ex or the current is not only abnormal but compulsive behavior. And frankly no one wants to hear a recording. Now instead of a person being in obsessive relationships where they are the oppressor now they become the oppressed. J. Harvey, states in Civilized Oppression,” The oppressed are treated with disrespect, moral rights are denied or blocked, their lives are deprived of proper fulfillment and they experience serious of frustrations and humiliation beyond all normal bound”(1999, pg37). These feelings not only come from our friends, family it can even extend out to our co-workers, bosses and even society, especially whom ever you talked to because other people have lives too. Obsessive compulsive behaviors can lead to your friends having disrespect for you and they laugh behind your back because you are obsessed and they may even humiliate you in public to show you that you have blinders on.
The obsessive relationships can cause some people to go into financial deprivation so bad that they may become homeless or jobless because they have spent all their money smoozing the relationship when it began by buying the person. And the rest of the money is used up by suppressing their desires by wasting it on drugs, alcohol, other women and even psychics. After sometime the friends don’t want to listen to what a the oppressed have to say so the don’t go out, the oppressed are too embarrassed to face anyone including strangers in fear that they would be spoken of badly. Though the oppressed know it is wrong to behave such in a way that it sounds like a wiener or someone that is obsessed, they continue the compulsive behavior and end up in a massive depression or even committing suicide and by that time no one really cares because they gave up on them. The last memories that your friends would have of you is a person with obsessive, compulsive and obsessive disorder.
How can you see obsessive compulsive behavior? I had already mentioned that obsession is a form of oppression and it is a drug, therefore it must be treated like a addiction and one must go through the twelve steps with complete due diligence.
Since the twelve steps are so very intense and complicate change for those that are used to a certain behavior, it is my goal to discuss what is obsessive behaviors in a relationship almost like warning flags then step by step, I will discuss resolutions that will help you not to be in a obsessive behavior patterns or help you through breaking away the chaos in your life
What is obsessive behavior in a love relationship (the beginning 1to 6 mo or new)
- Buying your partner expecting appreciation and more affection in return.
- Wanting to spend every moment with them and getting mad when they have other plans
- Getting jealous when they talk about the opposite sex or someone they find attractive.
- Getting upset when they do not return your calls right away
- Getting upset when they do not invite you to a certain event or gathering.
- Getting upset when they do not want to introduce you to their friends or family.
- Getting upset when they have priorities in their lives and you are not one of them.
- Getting upset when they don’t want you to come over or want to come over.
- Getting upset when they are not always being feeling oriented (touchy feely)
- Getting upset when they do not want to be intimate as much as you.
The obsessive behavior patterns in a long term relationships are often the same as the one in a brand new relationship however, the matters of commitments may be the core issues and insecurities. Because by this time the oppressor has already failed at least 3 or 4 things that send a trigger but they choose to ignore it, and the receiver may choose to ignore it too because they accepting the situation hoping that it will change or it has already ended. Here are some of the issues of a long term relationship obsessive behaviors
- Wanting to know what your partner is doing every moment.
- Wanting to help resolve partner emotional, financial and spiritual issues.
- Getting too involved with family and discussing your partners’ faults and looking for help.
- Revealing your partner’s secrets to other people.
- Wanting the partner to revolve their lives around yours.
- Following them calling them and stocking them when they are being aloof and when nothing is found then making up a scenario to find out their reaction.
- Trying too hard to fit into the friends and family circle of your partner.
- Pushing for marriage when the other person is not ready spiritually, financially or emotionally.
- Find the passwords of their email account or checking their messages if it be, text or otherwise.
- Going through their personal belongings.
I will discuss in the later chapters how to change these tendency step by step and I hope when the process is done that you go through your check list and are able to see these patterns and bring healthier patterns to attract love and keep love.
This topic was discussed to its depth on my January 08, 2010 show on blog talk radio, if you wish to listen the link is below.