FINDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
.. IT BEGINS WITH YOU
Letting go of obsessive behavior patterns in a relationship is not easy. It can be very painful transition on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. But for this to happen we must admit to our selves that we do have a problem. We must also examine why our relationships do not fulfill us in the aspect we want it to. To do this we have to understand why we may think we are obsessed. But it is apparent that you may think that otherwise you would not be here.
To able to recognize obsessionwe must clearly define the word obsession. This means to understand it on a psychological level and physiological level. This means that an obsessed person may have to read and re-read this to clearly understand where it is they stand in area of their relationship as well as to understanding obsessive behavior patterns. It is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.
As discussed in the previous chapter, many psychologist, theorist and researchers have interrelated obsession to indulgence. Webster Dictionary defines obsession as “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation” (on the web). Therefore, agreeing that obsession is a feeling and we know that feelings are never consistent but always flux depending upon the relationship as well as the environment. Additionally, it has been proven that obsession is control geared through oppression of some sort. This means that obsession has oppressive energies we often constrain our selves without knowing it. According to Iris Young’s article Five Faces of Oppression, “While these constrains include distributive patterns, they also involve matters which cannot be easily assimilated to logic of distribution or decision-making procedures” (2004, pg 43). In easier terms Young is stating that oppression is a trigger which allows for obsession to constraints us. It also causes us to have only one way of thinking and logic is used only to justify our actions of obsessive behavior.
Though it is not easy to break the patters of these cycles it can be done. According to Jody Hayes, author of Smart Love, “this means letting go of our over involvement in the lives of others. It means letting go of depending on others for approval and of the need to have others act certain ways” (2002, pg37). There has to be some sort of consideration to realize our patterns through behavior. This is to embed the process to think about what we did or what we were doing before we got so involved in the life of others but it also means that we must admit that we are obsessive.
But to understand and admit that we are obsessed, there has to be a certain pattern that we continue to follow, which is to understand why we are never fully happy with our relationships even when things are going great. That the life spans of our relationships are short lived. Or that we keep going back to our ex only do end up making promises we can not keep, thus brining the relationship back exactly where it was when things got chaotic. Additionally, to understand and accept which is the number one step; admitting that we do have a problem is simply to recognize it first.
Though some of these questions may be redundant from the previous chapter,.it is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.
What is obsessive behavior in a love relationship ?
(from the beginning from 1 to 6 mo)
1. Buying your partner expecting appreciation and more affection in return.
2. Wanting to spend every moment with them and getting mad when they have other plans
3. Getting jealous when they talk about the opposite sex or someone they find attractive.
4. Getting upset when they do not return your calls right away
5. Getting upset when they do not invite you to a certain event or gathering.
6. Getting upset when they do not want to introduce you to their friends or family.
7. Getting upset when they have priorities in their lives and you are not one of them.
8. Getting upset when they don’t want you to come over or want to come over.
9. Getting upset when they are not always being feeling oriented (touchy feely)
10. Getting upset when they do not want to be intimate as much as you.
The obsessive behavior patterns in a long term relationships are often the same as the one in a brand new relationship however, the matters of commitments may be the core issues which causes insecurities. And by this time the oppressor has already failed recognize their obsession which was outlined as red flags, sending triggers but they choose to ignore it. Additionally, the suppressed enabled the oppressor by allowing this type of behavior and misunderstanding it as love and having hope it will change in the future.
Here are some of the issues of a long term relationship obsessive behaviors
1. Wanting to know what your partner is doing every moment.
2. Wanting to help resolve partner emotional, financial and spiritual issues.
3. Getting too involved with family and discussing your partners’ faults and looking for help.
4. Revealing your partner’s secrets to other people.
5. Wanting the partner to revolve their lives around yours.
6. Following them calling them and stocking them when they are being aloof and when nothing is found then making up a scenario to find out their reaction.
7. Trying too hard to fit into the friends and family circle of your partner.
8. Pushing for marriage when the other person is not ready spiritually, financially or emotionally.
9. Find the passwords of their email account or checking their messages if it be, text or otherwise.
10. Going through their personal belongings.
The worst part of this kind of behavior is that it can be difficult for a suppress to handle and often times they end up leaving because by this time they have lost all respect for you and their self-esteem is shattered so there is no room for real reconciliation because it is ego driven. The ego driven relationship could have three final conclusions:
1. The relationship happens very quickly everything happens quickly where two people could end up moving in together in a short period of time or plan for an engagement within months or even start making future plans which are to take place in 1 to 2 or even 3 years. They began to share finances, family as well as their own closet demons which they have not shared with anyone. And within a short period of time the engagement is broken or the suppressed moves out.
2. The relationship is not honest after some time the suppressed looks for solace in other areas of their lives by deceiving the situation through separating themselves from their partner in a indirect way for example, being dishonest, cheating, and being inconsistent with their behavior as well as communication. Additionally, they start hiding things from the oppressed waiting for a conflict to occur so they have a way out, not wanting to hurt the other person.
3. The relationship go into time out where now the suppressor has more control because the oppressor has felt so guilty that they try everything to bring the suppressed back into their life by making false promises. And the suppressed continues to maintain control by controlling the communication as well as the relationship. For example when things are good the suppressed actually wants to be with oppressed but when the pressure gets too much and the patterns are repeating then they run away again and again, therefore, there is neither real closure nor no real opening.
The question remains how does one stop the patterns of obsessive behavior? It has already been stated that obsessive behavior patterns is like a drug, you can not stop in an instant unless you have great resistant power. If you had great resistant power then you would not be in this dilemma. And most of all you would not be reading this unless you knew that some of the red flags are present. Like any addictive program it begins with steps and step work is very important for our resistance to negative patterns of behavior and a utility to bring healthy patterns in ones life.
First thing is to admit and get laid off from your job of trying to be obsessed and find another job which is to live your life before this all began. This means you are not your partner’s psychologist, mother, father, brother, sister, banker, maid, handyman, financial advisor, nor psychic advisor. You need not to solve any of your partner’s problems. If they ask for help then you may start the question by saying “I think…. , but I respect your decision” whether you like it or not it is their life. In turn they will respect you more by not trying to resolve their issues. Some people have the wrong idea that if they don’t help their partners or potential partners that the other person will feel that their partner does not care. A healthy relationship does not require obsessive behaviors. Detachment from the issues means to identify, my problems, his or her problems and our problems”, it also means to take care of your own needs so that the partner does not always have to worry about what you are doing and start fixing themselves and their issues. To do this you must..
A. Give them their freedom to do what they want whether you agree or not so that you are not their mommy or daddy.
B. Give them time so that they can resolve their own issues so that you are not their psychologist.
C. Give them respect by not enabling them by fixing their financial issues so that you are not their banker.
D. Give them their own pride so that you are not policing their lives
E. Give them integrity by letting them make their own decision so that you are not a nag,
F. Give them understanding so that you are not going around trying to help them make mends with their own conflicts with their friends, family or other relationships in their life so that you are not their mediator.
G. Give them respect whether they are correct or incorrect so that you give them honor.
Whether you choose to get fired or you quit it does not matter how you do it, what matter is that you do it, but remember you can not graduate or learn without doing your lessons and have the capacity to go to the next step which is to resolve issues outside of your occupation. So don’t go and find a job as a waitress when you can’t even pick up after you’re self. Most of all you can’t be a surgeon when you cant stand blood. Lastly, ask your self can I go to step 2? Have I learned or do I need to start all over again? But, most of all this worth it- Do I love my self enough to let the universe help me to get to step 2?
Ability to go to step 2 means that you are inviting ONLY healthy relationship that you are powerless over others, can you admit that? When you do then you are human and deserve respect and healing from the universe.
This topic was aired live on BlogTalk Radio on January 15, 2010 at 9pm EST. The archived clip link is below..
I hope you enjoy and decide to apply it to your life …