Step # 3

Lets have a Funeral

The steps to release tension of obsessions can be very difficult thus causing us to fight the urge to change however, I hope to bring positivity in your life and bring healthy relationship changes for a spiritual awakenings. 

It is very difficult to control something that has been out ones control for a while. Its can also be even more complex if it is the only way that perhaps you may have thought it worked in a relationship. Often obsession is an outlet for our own suppression to a certain dilemma your lives and this is the only outlet that you can use without destroying your self but we soon find out it not only destroying us but destroying the people around us as well.  

The steps to resist obsession or rather control obsession can be very intricate.  Especially, at time we may find our selves doing the very thing that we said to ourselves we would not do.  Instead of punishing our selves we may want to try to say, “Wow I caught it” this means you are aware of it and not in defiance.

Now that you are not in denial and you began the step work because you either realized that the behavior patters are not working and that the relationships you carry are not sustainable or stable.  You may have also discovered that you may have been not as happy as you wanted to be in that relationship and you fought for a change but you may have thought it was the other persons fault because either they did not understand you, left you, betrayed your etc.

Though that first two steps were the most difficult in breaking the patterns of obsessions which were..

1. To get fired
2. You cant fix it   

And now…Step 3 : Have a funeral 

Now we are going into more personal nature it can only be difficult if you allow it to be but does not have to be.

We are all very weak to memories, some good and some bad.  We also notice when we go to our relative’s homes or visit friends and can’t seem to understand as to why they keep things from years back or start talking about things that happen years ago and often we mistake it as lectures. But what we seem to not understand is we do the same thing. But sometimes those things we hold on to are not always good. Especially when it comes to old relationships memories, especially material things such as letters, pictures, clothing, emails, things that our partner gave to us etc. Matter a fact it is such venom that even after the relationship is long over we look back at the memories of that other person and never give a 100% to our new partner because we are always in a comparison mode.

Often times we must let go of patterns of behavior that is really unhealthy for us.  Sometimes we need to let go of people that are unhealthy as well. Sometimes all as failed and the only resort is some sort of a funeral service.  Whether you are a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or any religion it does not matter.  What matters is how honest are you to your self to want to do this? The only way to bring healthy things in our lives is to understand everything in life dies.

We are so fixated to attachment to something to someone that sometimes we hang on to relationships because we do not want to be alone or hang on to material things because perhaps we can have that time back.  But we can not recover the past, we can not be afraid of being alone because we all have been alone when we were younger and we did just fine. The world that you may have lived in was a fantasy can not be realistic now.  You have to be healthy to bring healthy relationships but to do this we have to inventory our selves. There are only 3 steps of this inventory. Ask you’re self:

 What’s so good about holding on to things or feelings of the past?

1. What is the worst that could happen if I don’t hold on to it?
2. What am I so afraid of? Is it because I know I am not perfect or he is not perfect?

I always say that the value of relationship definition comes from our own expectations, and it has been researched and theorized that when we have high expectations we always fail, because we are not accepting of a situation, person or place the way it is rather we are living in a fantasy where we mold it into what we think it should be.

To be able to disconnect the cord of dysfunctional tendencies we must disconnect ourselves from the material world by symbolically doing things on a physical plane so that we affect it in our spiritual plane.

 When you realize the person whom are with is not really on the spiritual or emotional plane as you are and you know deep in your heart that no matter what you try no matter how much you tell that person how you feel it seems like a dead end and the only thing you are holding on to is the “honeymoon state” then you know it is really not meant to be.

 Or

When you realize that the other person has betrayed your trust or even that the other person is with someone else and going back and forth can not continue. The more you let go the more the person goes back and forth.

This is because you are attached to them on a physical world and they continue to destroy your spiritual world. The only you can detach is disconnect on a physical plane.

So lets have a funeral.. and here is how it is done.

1.  Gather every letter, physical items, photographs even gifts place them in a box and write a letter to the universe where you must release the energy of that person because you have to.  It is affecting you spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially.  I personally have done this many times in my life not only with the ones I have been a relationship with but even friends because even friends have a way of darning you.  
2. Go in nature or even near a place where people will not mind you burning things or even your backyard if you have one.  Remember they are just material things cost should not matter because it was real at that time and today is no longer real. Do not gas it but use camphor and light the camphor inside the box or boxes.  Depending upon the number of items in the box it may take time.  But be sure you place aluminum foil at the bottom of the box so that it does not damage the ground. During which time ask the universe to let the healing begin with you and the other party and help you forgive the other person for their actions and help you understand why this had to be let go. I have often done Astrotravel or even meditated during the burning process. 
3. After the items are done burning and even those that did not burn.  Bury them under a tree or near things that grow.  Make sure you place flowers on the ground. 
4. Make a few confessions to the universe such as I bury this which was once a part of my life now it has out grown me.  Or Help me meet the person who is worthy of me.  Or bring me solutions where my energy should go rather then focusing on others to make me happy or trying hard to help others.

Through these methods we allow the universe to pull away the negative energy from you and bring light where it is needed.  According to Judy Hayes in her book Smart Love, she says “When you are letting of old beliefs and habits and began to replace them with positive ones, this is sure a sign that you are on the right road to recovery”(2001, pg 46). However the recovery begins with you.  The longer you hold on to the past the more difficult it is to move into the future.

 This type of behavior is not negative, rather positive that you are setting boundaries in your own life, because until you learn to love your self-you can not possibly love others. 

Ask your self this.. do I want to continue to chase rainbows or do I want relationships that are the healing work of the universe? If it is the latter then ask your self can you go to step 4?

As you know prior to blogging, the first place this topics are announced is on blog talk radio, below is the link to the show.  The show is only one hour long due to the fact of my own every day life exhausted me and many people were down because of the Full moon in Leo.  I know full moon’s always exhaust me…  

Listen to Maharani Rutan on Blog Talk Radio

Enjoy the show!

Namaste

Maharani

FINDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

.. IT BEGINS WITH YOU

Letting go of obsessive behavior patterns in a relationship is not easy.  It can be very painful transition on an emotional, spiritual and physical level.  But for this to happen we must admit to our selves that we do have a problem.  We must also examine why our relationships do not fulfill us in the aspect we want it to. To do this we have to understand why we may think we are obsessed.  But it is apparent that you may think that otherwise you would not be here.

To able to recognize obsessionwe must clearly define the word obsession. This means to understand it on a psychological level and physiological level. This means that an obsessed person may have to read and re-read this to clearly understand where it is they stand in area of their relationship as well as to understanding obsessive behavior patterns. It is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.

As discussed in the previous chapter, many psychologist, theorist and researchers have interrelated obsession to indulgence. Webster Dictionary defines obsession as “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation” (on the web). Therefore, agreeing that obsession is a feeling and we know that feelings are never consistent but always flux depending upon the relationship as well as the environment. Additionally, it has been proven that obsession is control geared through oppression of some sort. This means that obsession has oppressive energies we often constrain our selves without knowing it. According to Iris Young’s article Five Faces of Oppression, “While these constrains include distributive patterns, they also involve matters which cannot be easily assimilated to logic of distribution or decision-making procedures” (2004, pg 43). In easier terms Young is stating that oppression is a trigger which allows for obsession to constraints us. It also causes us to have only one way of thinking and logic is used only to justify our actions of obsessive behavior.

Though it is not easy to break the patters of these cycles it can be done. According to Jody Hayes, author of Smart Love, “this means letting go of our over involvement in the lives of others. It means letting go of depending on others for approval and of the need to have others act certain ways” (2002, pg37). There has to be some sort of consideration to realize our patterns through behavior. This is to embed the process to think about what we did or what we were doing before we got so involved in the life of others but it also means that we must admit that we are obsessive.

But to understand and admit that we are obsessed, there has to be a certain pattern that we continue to follow, which is to understand why we are never fully happy with our relationships even when things are going great. That the life spans of our relationships are short lived. Or that we keep going back to our ex only do end up making promises we can not keep, thus brining the relationship back exactly where it was when things got chaotic. Additionally, to understand and accept which is the number one step; admitting that we do have a problem is simply to recognize it first.

Though some of these questions may be redundant from the previous chapter,.it is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.

What is obsessive behavior in a love relationship ?

(from the beginning from 1 to 6 mo)

1. Buying your partner expecting appreciation and more affection in return.
2. Wanting to spend every moment with them and getting mad when they have other plans
3. Getting jealous when they talk about the opposite sex or someone they find attractive.
4. Getting upset when they do not return your calls right away
5. Getting upset when they do not invite you to a certain event or gathering.
6. Getting upset when they do not want to introduce you to their friends or family.
7. Getting upset when they have priorities in their lives and you are not one of them.
8. Getting upset when they don’t want you to come over or want to come over.
9. Getting upset when they are not always being feeling oriented (touchy feely)
10. Getting upset when they do not want to be intimate as much as you.

The obsessive behavior patterns in a long term relationships are often the same as the one in a brand new relationship however, the matters of commitments may be the core issues which causes insecurities. And by this time the oppressor has already failed recognize their obsession which was outlined as red flags, sending triggers but they choose to ignore it. Additionally, the suppressed enabled the oppressor by allowing this type of behavior and misunderstanding it as love and having hope it will change in the future.

Here are some of the issues of a long term relationship obsessive behaviors

1. Wanting to know what your partner is doing every moment.
2. Wanting to help resolve partner emotional, financial and spiritual issues.
3. Getting too involved with family and discussing your partners’ faults and looking for help.
4. Revealing your partner’s secrets to other people.
5. Wanting the partner to revolve their lives around yours.
6. Following them calling them and stocking them when they are being aloof and when nothing is found then making up a scenario to find out their reaction.
7. Trying too hard to fit into the friends and family circle of your partner.
8. Pushing for marriage when the other person is not ready spiritually, financially or emotionally.
9. Find the passwords of their email account or checking their messages if it be, text or otherwise.
10. Going through their personal belongings.

The worst part of this kind of behavior is that it can be difficult for a suppress to handle and often times they end up leaving because by this time they have lost all respect for you and their self-esteem is shattered so there is no room for real reconciliation because it is ego driven. The ego driven relationship could have three final conclusions:

1. The relationship happens very quickly everything happens quickly where two people could end up moving in together in a short period of time or plan for an engagement within months or even start making future plans which are to take place in 1 to 2 or even 3 years. They began to share finances, family as well as their own closet demons which they have not shared with anyone. And within a short period of time the engagement is broken or the suppressed moves out.
2. The relationship is not honest after some time the suppressed looks for solace in other areas of their lives by deceiving the situation through separating themselves from their partner in a indirect way for example, being dishonest, cheating, and being inconsistent with their behavior as well as communication. Additionally, they start hiding things from the oppressed waiting for a conflict to occur so they have a way out, not wanting to hurt the other person.
3. The relationship go into time out where now the suppressor has more control because the oppressor has felt so guilty that they try everything to bring the suppressed back into their life by making false promises. And the suppressed continues to maintain control by controlling the communication as well as the relationship. For example when things are good the suppressed actually wants to be with oppressed but when the pressure gets too much and the patterns are repeating then they run away again and again, therefore, there is neither real closure nor no real opening.

The question remains how does one stop the patterns of obsessive behavior? It has already been stated that obsessive behavior patterns is like a drug, you can not stop in an instant unless you have great resistant power. If you had great resistant power then you would not be in this dilemma. And most of all you would not be reading this unless you knew that some of the red flags are present. Like any addictive program it begins with steps and step work is very important for our resistance to negative patterns of behavior and a utility to bring healthy patterns in ones life.

Step 1

GET FIRED

First thing is to admit and get laid off from your job of trying to be obsessed and find another job which is to live your life before this all began. This means you are not your partner’s psychologist, mother, father, brother, sister, banker, maid, handyman, financial advisor, nor psychic advisor. You need not to solve any of your partner’s problems. If they ask for help then you may start the question by saying “I think…. , but I respect your decision” whether you like it or not it is their life. In turn they will respect you more by not trying to resolve their issues. Some people have the wrong idea that if they don’t help their partners or potential partners that the other person will feel that their partner does not care. A healthy relationship does not require obsessive behaviors. Detachment from the issues means to identify, my problems, his or her problems and our problems”, it also means to take care of your own needs so that the partner does not always have to worry about what you are doing and start fixing themselves and their issues. To do this you must..
A. Give them their freedom to do what they want whether you agree or not so that you are not their mommy or daddy.
B. Give them time so that they can resolve their own issues so that you are not their psychologist.
C. Give them respect by not enabling them by fixing their financial issues so that you are not their banker.
D. Give them their own pride so that you are not policing their lives
E. Give them integrity by letting them make their own decision so that you are not a nag,
F. Give them understanding so that you are not going around trying to help them make mends with their own conflicts with their friends, family or other relationships in their life so that you are not their mediator.
G. Give them respect whether they are correct or incorrect so that you give them honor.

Whether you choose to get fired or you quit it does not matter how you do it, what matter is that you do it, but remember you can not graduate or learn without doing your lessons and have the capacity to go to the next step which is to resolve issues outside of your occupation. So don’t go and find a job as a waitress when you can’t even pick up after you’re self. Most of all you can’t be a surgeon when you cant stand blood. Lastly, ask your self can I go to step 2? Have I learned or do I need to start all over again? But, most of all this worth it- Do I love my self enough to let the universe help me to get to step 2?

Ability to go to step 2 means that you are inviting ONLY healthy relationship that you are powerless over others, can you admit that? When you do then you are human and deserve respect and healing from the universe.

This topic was aired live on BlogTalk Radio on January 15, 2010 at 9pm EST.  The archived clip link is below..

Listen to Maharani Rutan on Blog Talk Radio

I hope you enjoy and decide to apply it to your life …

Namaste

Maharani