Be The New You …

Remember people love you as you love your self…

One of the saddest times in our lives can be during the holidays.  Especially during Valentines Day when we see some of our friends go out with their boyfriends and husbands.  It hurts even more when we see gifts delivered to our jobs but it is not for us.  And sometimes we are wishing someone that cared enough to do the same. But often forget that the love that people show in a material world may not be as exclusive as the love we should show to our selves and our loved ones on a daily basis.  

Contrary to what they say on the radio and television, we do not need someone to tell us we are loved.  To be able to love your self enough means to treat your self too. Give your self a card; treat your self to a special Valentines Day most of all write to your self. I bet you might think this is funny but have you ever written to your self? The answer to that might be a little chuckling but its ok.  

Remember the times when notes were passed in class by someone you liked? How about passing your self a note, parent the child within you.  Ask your self some kind words, tell your self about what you accomplished today, why not pamper your self today and make an appointment with the hair dresser, how about joining a gym and exercise.  They say when you exercise your body you exercise your soul. How long as it been since you were in a bubble bath? How long has it been since you went shopping for your self? The activities that you find pleasure in will help boost your own enthusiasm so that you can reflect this to all the people around you. 

 When you find pleasure in the little things in life you will finally have the ability to honestly ask for help when you need it without expectations. When the healthy boundaries are placed in your life and you have less expectations you will not have disappointments. Sometimes we all need help in something’s in our lives being helpless does not mean you are weak but acting helpless is another thing. The turning point in your life comes when you have faith that everything we need will be taken care of and everything we want will be a miracle through faith.

 Faith is not the same thing as expecting others to lend a hand, faith means that you believe in your self and believe that when you take care of yourself you take care of others. I know many of you may say to me how you can say that when you are working 13 hour days, how I can say that is because I keep going.  I know that there will come a time for “me” time soon and universe will show me the “me” time when the time is right.  So that people who relay on me right now will now allow me to show my capabilities rather then just my abilities to get the job done and this is done through releasing the inner child. When we release the inner child within us we release the energy of negativity and out of no where comes this burst of energy of creating healthy boundaries between your self and your partner or the people you love. 

Loving your self often is not easy when we are too busy taking care of others.  But sometimes when we release the inner child and set healthy boundaries between our selves and our relationship life this is when all comes together. Many co-dependent people do not understand that we continue to play the role of the fixer, the parent, the rescuer that we forget we are getting ill in the process. Often times when we are also being a role which we are not we disable our selves to feel emotions.  We erupt like a volcano it basically killing our soul as well as killing people around us emotionally.

 The only way to figure out which role to play in our lives is to do healthy inventory by asking your self:

1. Am I always rescuing people?
2. Am I always a scapegoat to people’s aggression?
3. Do I always play a mascot to people and never having others play one too?
4. Am I always a victim by always complaining of what I do not have rather than what I do?
5. Am I always trying to win and argument or feel as though I must be always right?
6. Am I always trying to look too beautiful rather than being my self?
7. Am I always trying to be so smart that I have no time to think?
8. Am I always nurturing others and there is no one to nurture me?
9. Am I always helping someone one that I don’t take time to help me?
10. Do I always look for people to take care of and am too busy not able to take care of me?

 This is where the healthy boundaries are.  Learning to say no without being vindictive and understanding just like your self others need space, time and nurture too.

Starting today ask yourself what did you do today that you said you would do and really get it done.  And how did you spoil your self today for example today I had a pizza and a coke while I am always dieting that was my gift to my self. Tomorrow while shopping for my doggy I will stop a Barnes & Nobel and get a relaxing book.  The next day it will be Valentines Day and while I go search for the perfect card for my children.  I will also buy something for my self that will make me feel good be it a little ornament for my door or even nice linen what ever it may be there will be a little for them and little for me. And every day I promise to ask the universe to forgive those who have hurt me.  Because just like me they do not know what they do therefore, I am not perfect either.  But tomorrow is a better day than today and Valentines Day will be even more special because I love me just as much as I love you.  But if you don’t love me back as much as I love you that is okey because I love me just enough and everything else will fall into place. 

And on Valentines Day the most beautiful joyous moment will be that I have another day with my son and another day in life with all of you.  Because its not just about I love you’s but it is all about I understand you and am here for you if you ever need me.  Though I am not always there but you are always there in my sprit and my thoughts even when my world becomes busy and even when I wrote this.. this is my heart and this is my soul but most of all this is my spirituality and this is my gift to you on Valentines Day and the only thing I ask in return is please love your self so that you can love others like the universe loves you … unconditionally.

This blog was aired live on Blog Talk radio on February 12, 2010, though it was a short segment thank you all for coming.

Listen to Maharani Rutan on Blog Talk Radio

Namaste

Maharani

Step #4

Love Your Self 

To build a long sustaining relationship we must have a relationship not only with the ones that we love but ourselves.  We spend so much time taking care of others that we forget that we have needs that have not been met.  Though we often have a tendency to push aside our needs that it becomes a volcano ready to erupt which only leads to conflicts in a relationship which could have been avoided from the beginning if only we had set boundaries.  

Relationships are created because the person we are interested in fills the void which we were not able to fulfill ourselves.  Our fulfillment is not always on a consistent level which we have programmed ourselves to do so when the other person is not consistent with their actions we feel that they do not care or perhaps if we do more then the other party will put more effort.  However, we fail to realize that this is obsession. 

 In the previous chapters I have discussed that to control habits of obsession we must first get fired.  This means that it is not our job to fulfill the other persons every need or get so involved in the other person that it directly affects our lives this will only lead to dissatisfaction.  The second chapter emphasized on trying not to fix the other person so that they mold into our world, what we do not realize is that if we do not accept the person as they are kinks and all then we are not accepting ourselves within that relationship.

 Human beings are very fixated on gratification that we all have needs that are often geared from within our selves and always looking attention.  The disappointment becomes a habit so we are always in search of someone better or someone that is more perfect.  But, there is no perfect person and you are NOT perfect either. There is only one perfect thing which is the universal energy. But even universal energy can’t help you when you are imposing another human being in place of it. So what is the solution?

 This solution is simple yet very unique. The best way to love others is love your self and respect your self to its fullest.  This means to find your own energy and the way to do it is:

 LOVE YOUR SELF.

 Through out our childhood we were often reminded how much we were loved or appreciated or we had no choice but to love our selves unconditionally.  I am sure you remember the times when you had to make your own dinner, put your self to sleep, do your own homework, make your own friends, and basically take care of your self.  We basically nurtured and took care of ourselves. It is not selfish to still do that but at a deeper level. When we give so much of our selves to others we exhaust ourselves emotionally. The emotional deprivation can lead to failing health, depression and even creating chaos in our own relationships.

 According to Judy Hayes book Smart Love,”It is not selfish to nurture our bodies and spirits in fact only after we have nurtured ourselves can we be genuinely and freely loving towards others.”(2001, pg.49).  But we are so used to having others nurture us that we forgot how to nurture ourselves so we look for others to accreditation by giving and hoping for things in return.

 There is a old saying in the spiritual world to find your inner child, however this comes from child hood also meaning if your childhood was full of restrictions therefore, your inner child will to will be restricted.  When you are nurturing your inner child then only can sincerely be nurturing towards others. We absolutely can not expect others to always place us on a pedestal and gloat us all of the time when and if we do then we will be disappointed and even when you do this can only mean that the other person is so desperate for a relationship that when they find someone better than you where they have not do it all of the time this is where they will go.

 To be able to contact your inner child means to contact the universe by taking care of your self.  Began with small steps without expectations such as:

 Be with nature

• Take a 10 minute walk by your self and connect with nature.  Try to increase this every week.
• Go to the zoo or the park or go hiking, running or just watch even children play
• Walk on the beach or a lake-make sure you sit down and exhale for at least 10 minutes

Be kind to your mind

• Take a 10 minute time out by closing your eyes and thinking about good things.
• Read a funny book for 10 to 15 minutes a day (laughter is a great medicine)
• Watch a funny show or at least try once a week.

Be kind to your soul

• Meditate
• Listen to soft music (instrumental please)
• Get on your knees and pray for peace ONLY.

Be kind to your body

• Stretch every morning or take Yoga Classes
• Go to the gym or exercise 20 minutes a day
• Cut back on sweets, salt and anything that is not healthy for you

Be kind to your heart

• Call up a family member whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say I love you.
• Call up a friend (not an ex or boyfriend) whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say hello.
• Call up a colleague or someone you connected on an intellectual level and ask them how they are doing.

 When you take the small steps and do it without asking for one thing in return then you are ready to connect on a more complex level of connecting with your inner child.  This means your thought pattern must change.  This means also that you must look at each situation in a different way. 

For example: If you broke up with someone and you pine over them. Our natural instinct forces us to think in a negative way so that we can justify the break up in our own mind.

 Present thought process: I gave everything to __________.  He/She never gave back to me.  I really tried but I still do not understand why ____________ does not want me anymore.

 New thought process: I did everything I could and I learned a lot.  If I only known what I know now I would be a better person in that relationship. However, this is the Universe’s way of saying I still have a lot to learn and until I can truly apply what I know I can not practice with feelings by going back right away or obsessing over ___________ right now.

For example: If you are in a relationship with someone and they are not being attentive this is also a good example of a friend and relative. They do not either return your calls when you want them to or they do not call you back right away or they are not supportive of you and you feel like you are talking to a wall.  These things may process in your mind such as:

 Present thought process: When I call someone I expect them to call me back.  I am always there for _____________, and they are never there for me.  Perhaps I am too needy and maybe I should back off and give that other person some space.  But I am afraid the moment they call me I will let them have it because it’s not fair.

 New thought process: Maybe ____________is busy or the phone is out of reception area and I am sure he/she will call me as soon as they can because I know they know I have called.  I will call someone else in the mean time.

Last example: I had something horrible happen to me at work and just needed someone to talk to and I just can’t believe that ________________ cut me off.  They did not hear anything I said and abruptly said that they had to go and they are always telling me it’s my fault.  Perhaps it is and may be I should not be so critical and I deserve to be disrespected because what comes around goes around.

New thought process: Maybe _____________was not in a good mood and they had a lot on their mind.  Perhaps I should have asked if they were busy and now I learned.  I will instead go for a walk or do some meditation because this is my problem and I have to deal with it my self.

These are perfect examples of having too many expectations of others as well as looking for approval from others.  Most of the time when we do get approval it is not long lasting because when you bring up when they agreed as was there for you, they may say such thing as that is what I felt then right now I feel this way.  This can only make you feel disappointed.  As I have always said if you come from a dysfunctional family where there was not approval, affection or appreciation then most likely you will try to gain this from others and often times the relationship you are in will also become dysfunctional, and abusive.

 An ability to talk to your inner child must not be in a sarcastic or egotistical way it must be nurturing almost like you are talking to child.  Because you’re inner child has been hidden for so long. Be honest with your self; apologize to your self, reward your self, ask for your forgiveness, ask your self not to be afraid or have insecurities because the universe brought you here to have faith in it not others.  Human beings are just characters in your world they are teachers, friends and especially those that you are suppose to learn from not necessarily someone you can always count on because they have a life too and sometimes you are not a part of it, this does not mean they do not care, but it means they have boundaries and they are also nurturing their inner child.  If they are not then they loose not you because you will be that person who knows who you are and like any rose you will feed it, nurture it, look at it, and most of all fertilize it every day because that rose is beautiful rose and wants to be the most beautiful thing that the universe has ever seen.

Having said that… know I love you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart because you are now reading this and my energy brought you here that means that I was able to capture on minute of your time which means that your minute was ever most precious and I love you for it and I thank you for it.

 Sadly, life caught up to me Friday night and I was not able to air the segment of this topic therefore, I have taken the liberty to post this for those who want to start working on step #4.  I apologize for those who came to my show and I was not able to make it and I promise I will make it up to you.

Namaste

Maharani