I am not a expert in love and I can only share with you the experiences and teachings of the Gita and those people who have taught me to love or often even direct me to love however, there is a difference between toxic love and a obsession of wanting someone.  I have read many books on love and everyone has their own say so on what is a healthy relationship but it must be taken into consideration healthy is a self reflection.  

The most important parts of healthy relationships are what I will touch upon and expand from now until the end of the year.  Following are the idioms which cause most relationships to become dysfunctional and toxic and these are the very same ones that we often use and we do not even realize that we are doing it.

• Reinforcing Codependency- you may say things such as, “he/she is not the person I want but they will change”, “if he/she would only stop doing… (including affairs) we would be happy and lastly “I would really be a wonderful person if I was in a relationship” all these are signs of co-dependency.  I reinforce this through my teachings and learning’s and experiences which I even catch my self from doing and retract before the signs appear.

• Bury the past- If you have broken up with a lover often times we hold on to their things or their belongings and wait until upon their return but when it happens we bring up issues of the past which create a fire in a volcano ready to explode. Either you must be ready to bury the past upon a lover return or prepare for a ceremony. Yes, ceremony either you send everything back to your ex or I mean everything not leaving any signs of him/her or burn it if they do not want it.  By releasing it you are releasing negativity into the universe and saying to your self you are not going to tolerate this person in your life again.  But remember when you do this there are ramification which I will speak more about in time.

• Love your self- One way you can share your love with someone is to love your self.  There are 5 words that must be taken away from your love language which is “always”, “never”, “could have” and “would have” these are direct words that are never consistent and often point to ones self.  By loving your self you are not placing another on a pedestal yet allowing faith to be positioned in your life. One of the most important aspect of loving your self is ask for help but don’t expect your problems to be resolved, and always remember your lover is NOT your venting machine and you must remember that there are issues you can solve your self which will lift the burdens and pressures off your partner to resolve them for you and giving you both time to enjoy each other instead of having drama.

• Release your patterns of the past- It is apparent that the things you had done in past relationships are NOT working therefore, this is why you are where you are and that means change the pattern.  If you are always the one to apologize when there is a argument between you and your significant, then perhaps practice affirmative statements such as “When you do this… I feel this.. because of this (do NOT bring past relationship or anything) this should be how something affects you.

• Define your boundaries- This is a biggy! Often time people come to me and state that the other person is being really controlling etc.  Well this is because boundaries are not clearly discussed before a relationship begins of course as time passes within the relationship boundaries will be restructured and we will have more than one boundary, however before you set the boundaries you must set your self in check. DO NOT ignore your feelings, DO NOT justify your actions because you feel the way you do and most of all IT IS not ok for someone to hurt you.

Please remember I am NOT a psychologist but just a person who is brought up on a spiritual inclination of peace and love and unconditional love comes from self autonomy and if we loose that than we obsess over things and actions which drain us spiritually, emotionally and lead to physical decline.

There are so many times people ask if a person that they love, love them back. This so difficult to answer because often times love is molded into what one perceives as love not necessary the same in everyone’s eye. For example a mother many love her child like anything in the world but may have Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, this does not mean they do not love their child it is that they are sick. Love is psychological it is a feeling often times these feelings can be very over powering in the negative sense and often times in a positive sense.

Both of the negative and positive feelings can be venom to a relationship. The negative feelings which are often over powered with venerability are a derivative of negative actions which could manifest it self into jealousy, insecurities, need for power as well as vulgarity. This does not mean the other person does not love them it just means that they are often afraid of loosing them selves or feel weak in the relationship in those substantial areas which create healthy relationship such as trust, stability, respect and honor is lacking within themselves. Often times these are due to past issues when has no bearing on the other person actions.

As human beings we all have a tendencies of jealousy, insecurities, and need for power in one time in our lives if we did not have them we can not look at our selves in the mirror and change them and better ourselves. It is how we display them and how it could affect our relationship. These are self image issues and often when we can not deal with them we try to find things that are really not there. One of my caller said to me in a reading “but why is he acting so mean? I was just looking to see if any females were emailing him by hacking into his email and I just followed him a few times because I want to be sure that he was not doing anything.” I hesitated in my reply only because I could see with red flags where this relationship was going but I can not judge. And I asked her a simple question which may have thrown her off, “let’s say that you did find something. Let’s say that he followed you and he hacked into your email. In both instances I want you to find the balances, respect, honor and stability” I made sure she did not answer me but to go within her self and find the answer. And before we disconnected I specifically told her if you do not find the balance it is not necessary your fault it may be that you may need to take a deeper look if you are being fair to either one of you if not let your action speak and ask your self how much are you willing to give up for love?

In society we are always geared towards people with positive energy or those that bring love and honesty into our lives and we all have a tendency to keep those types of people under any condition. If we are vulnerable and going through a difficult time we are naturally going to hold on to those who give us solace, respect, peace and happiness. But at what price? At a vulnerable state we often mistaken kind gestures to love or want to take the “friendship” to the next level only to find our selves being embarrassed or hurt when the other person is just being nice.

The million dollar question is what is love? Love is a feeling. Love is changeable. Love is environmental. Love is misunderstood. Love is independent. Love is self centered yet giving. Love is sacrificial but most of all love should be unconditional.

The only way one can really understand love is often that we have to do an inventory of ourselves. In my teachings I often recommend to my clients have a sheet of paper out and create two columns, fold it in half so that you do not see the other side. Make a list of 20 things which you expect out of your potential or your mate. Leaving out financial and physical attribute because these are changeable through financial gains or medical improvements, remember love is about sacrifices and expectations everyone has them. It can be things like; I want to laugh with him. I want to travel with him. Etc. These are almost your wants but be sure to include I do not want him to be jealous or things that may have irritated you in the past. This process could take some time because remember these are things that are important to you. Honesty is the best policy and no one will see this but you.

After having to make a list of things which you expect out of your mate now it is your turn. Flip the paper make a list of things you are willing to change ( it is usually things you know that you need to change to have a healthy relationship). You can derive these things by looking at your past relationship and seeing what others may have pointed out to you and you have agreed that has caused problems. Remember 20 things and once again honesty is the best policy.

This type of exercise is very important because it allows self reflection and also helps you attract those that will bring you a healthy long lasting relationship if you notice many of these things you are about to write are displayed on many dating websites. Why? It allows self evaluation. Once you have completed the form you are once again going to do self evaluation. You will come to realize that perhaps asking for 20 things is a little too much and that some of the things you expect out of another is a little unrealistic as well as 20 things for your self. This happens and it’s a good thing, because in a healthy relationship if you expect too much out of your partner than there is no individuality rather you want them to be a puppet in your relationship and if you give up too much this means you will be in a co-dependent relationship where you loose your self in the relationship. Therefore, you will end up with 10 things on each side and now is time to compare. Whether you are with someone or about to meet someone or are dating someone check your list and see if that those traits are applicable in your relationship if not the question is are settling for less because :

A. You do not wish to be alone

 B. It’s hard to start over with someone else.

 C. Perhaps the other person will change in time.

***These are all very good excuses to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Using your judgment and intuition and taking an outside approach is always the best. Love is absolutely unconditional and love can have expectation but not unrealistic expectations. You will meet many people, and you will love many as well but to what price and your energy, expectation and how well you carry your self is the type of people one attracts. So the question is what is love?

The million dollar answer is love is defined by the individual based upon their actions and their world view of life. The definition of love is in the present (how you feel, secure/insecure, happy/unhappy etc). Love lives in the past (how you interacted with others and how you have been treated). Love is in the future (how much and how far are you willing to wait or understand whom and how to love). Love is ultimate sacrifice and a beautiful union.

Love never greedy but giving and most of all love has no conditions love is just love a feeling which overwhelms all of us at one time in our lives. And how much you love your self reflects how much you are willing to love others and how much you are willing to let go with love.

I hope you take the time to do self inventory and know that even though I am NOT in love with you.. I do love you** J