Love and Relationships
February 26th, 2010 Posted 9:19 pm
What is Love?
When do we know?
How do we know?
What is love? Who defines it? The word love is so abused and so used that I sometimes wonder if anyone really knows what love is. So I set out a crusade to find out love but I really did not want to define love as a universal concept I wanted to know what love really is. I knew it is a feeling. I knew that the only kind of love that has been long lasting that I can point out is with my family and my God. But I wanted to dive a little deeper to find the true answers of love.
So I asked around I talked Astrologers, I spoke to psychics, Clairvoyants, family, friends and even counselors but no one could really give me a clear answer until I spoke to my Guru and he said the answers are in the Gita look and you shall find.
My journey was triggered by my clients for years clients kept asking me question “Does he love me?” I always hesitate to answer and sometimes I become very rhetorical when answering such a complex question.
Being born in India we do not take love very lightly, however, I have noticed that in the United States, I have heard guys say to their buddies, “I love you man” or women say to their girlfriends “ I love you” and the next time they have a argument, its “I hate you!”
In the Hindu culture love is never universal except for the love of God. Each one of us loves differently and it instilled in us through our own grassroots i.e. parents, caregivers, teachers, grandparents and distant relatives as well.
According to the scriptures of the Gita there they define many kinds of love.
- Unconditional love- Love of God and a love of a child to his mother(this is also when we feel our parents do not love us we still love them – as we should) it is not only written in the Gita but in the Christian Bible (“love thy parent)
This kind of love is the purest love of them all and all humans should love this way. This kind of love has no expectations, only forgiveness and respect.
- Loving someone one- This is a love of sibling, or distant relative. Though they often do things to hurt you and sometimes disappear out of our lives only to return because you have the blood line (Krishna & Aruna) and the western ideology it states “blood is thicker than water”. Though this kind of love has conditions and expectations, this love is based upon the moral ethics within the grassroots of family. Family expectations, morality and respect.
- Being in Love- This would be a love of two romantic partners of opposite sex or the same sex depending upon the orientation. This is what we call in the Gita a honeymoon stage. It’s all nice and wonderful. Until we start to see if this person is really an image of us and it can either die away or remain constant which is levitate to #2 description of love.
- Love with lust- In the Gita lust is a negative conjugation it become an evil sense of conditions, expectation, co dependency, and obsession. Many of us mistake this for love. Our emotions often run high in this kind of love so much so that we place the other person in front of our own needs and therefore interference of the Universal God condones idealism. When the other person becomes so enriched in our lives that we stop our lives for them. (Like the movie fatal attraction). This often leads to insecurities and we invade our partner’s privacy, follow them, tap their phone and often times we are not honest in our feelings.
- Lastly, there is puppy love- This often an infatuation built within a short period of time. This kind of love would be found in young children’s image of love. But in adults we often believe that one night stand now becomes our obsessions and we do not look at things realistically. Meeting a person only one time and think that something will be started etc.
I had a women call me once and she had a one night stand while she was traveling between Chicago and New York and with a heavy storm many passengers were given vouchers to hotel accommodations. With the storm almost every hotel room was booked but there was one room left. After a great deal of thought she asked one of male passengers if would like to share the room for the night. Of course one thing leads to another and they ended up sleeping together. Not knowing his name or where he lived or even his telephone number she kept asking if he will ever contact her again. Reminding you both of them did not know each others name.
She became so obsessed that she later told me she spend thousand of dollars with many people and 3 years of her precious time obsessing over only to discovered what I said was correct. You may never find him because Airlines can not give you information. And she has never found him to this day. But the important lesson in this was that it was purely lust. Love does not develop in bed or in one date it develops over time.
But this questioning has not only been in my clients minds but my children too. I remember when my oldest son’s girlfriend left him because he never said to her that he loved her, and he told her honestly, “how can I know what love is, if the only love I ever knew is of my mothers and never felt anything that was so sublime as the one that I feel from her.” With tears in his eyes he said to me, “mom. Is it wrong to tell the truth.” I hugged him so tight and I said, “no son you will know, you will feel and you will embrace love when God is willing to show you but be open and you will see”
Love is never universal because we all define it differently. To me what real love would be different than what you may consider love. Though in love we all have expectation, however, love is not an obsession, love does not demean your character, love does not betray, love is never to be rushed. Love happens to all of us and it has to all of us.
So when you ask a speaker, “does he love me?” perhaps you might want to restructure the question by asking, “is he capable of loving me as I need to be loved” always remember there is no black and white in this question. That means there is NO real YES or NO, it is more complex so if you get a YES, you can estimate that it was a guess however, if the question is asked to a good reader they should describe either how he/she sees you as or what he/she can give to you.
May this help you through your many days of discovery so that you can define love in your own way and love the way you want to be loved
Though some of these concepts are being repeated from my show with Destiny Tarot on Psychic Bitch it has been revised as I bring more prospective to an ongoing expansion of definition of love. Below is both the archived version of the show by date so it is easily accessible.
February 26, 2010
Tags: Does he love me?, double guessing love, obessive love, Psychics on love, puppy love, uncoditional love, What is love?, Who defines it?
Posted in Love and Relationships Written by: Maharani Rutan
February 14th, 2010 Posted 5:27 pm
Be The New You …
Remember people love you as you love your self…
One of the saddest times in our lives can be during the holidays. Especially during Valentines Day when we see some of our friends go out with their boyfriends and husbands. It hurts even more when we see gifts delivered to our jobs but it is not for us. And sometimes we are wishing someone that cared enough to do the same. But often forget that the love that people show in a material world may not be as exclusive as the love we should show to our selves and our loved ones on a daily basis.
Contrary to what they say on the radio and television, we do not need someone to tell us we are loved. To be able to love your self enough means to treat your self too. Give your self a card; treat your self to a special Valentines Day most of all write to your self. I bet you might think this is funny but have you ever written to your self? The answer to that might be a little chuckling but its ok.
Remember the times when notes were passed in class by someone you liked? How about passing your self a note, parent the child within you. Ask your self some kind words, tell your self about what you accomplished today, why not pamper your self today and make an appointment with the hair dresser, how about joining a gym and exercise. They say when you exercise your body you exercise your soul. How long as it been since you were in a bubble bath? How long has it been since you went shopping for your self? The activities that you find pleasure in will help boost your own enthusiasm so that you can reflect this to all the people around you.
When you find pleasure in the little things in life you will finally have the ability to honestly ask for help when you need it without expectations. When the healthy boundaries are placed in your life and you have less expectations you will not have disappointments. Sometimes we all need help in something’s in our lives being helpless does not mean you are weak but acting helpless is another thing. The turning point in your life comes when you have faith that everything we need will be taken care of and everything we want will be a miracle through faith.
Faith is not the same thing as expecting others to lend a hand, faith means that you believe in your self and believe that when you take care of yourself you take care of others. I know many of you may say to me how you can say that when you are working 13 hour days, how I can say that is because I keep going. I know that there will come a time for “me” time soon and universe will show me the “me” time when the time is right. So that people who relay on me right now will now allow me to show my capabilities rather then just my abilities to get the job done and this is done through releasing the inner child. When we release the inner child within us we release the energy of negativity and out of no where comes this burst of energy of creating healthy boundaries between your self and your partner or the people you love.
Loving your self often is not easy when we are too busy taking care of others. But sometimes when we release the inner child and set healthy boundaries between our selves and our relationship life this is when all comes together. Many co-dependent people do not understand that we continue to play the role of the fixer, the parent, the rescuer that we forget we are getting ill in the process. Often times when we are also being a role which we are not we disable our selves to feel emotions. We erupt like a volcano it basically killing our soul as well as killing people around us emotionally.
The only way to figure out which role to play in our lives is to do healthy inventory by asking your self:
- Am I always rescuing people?
- Am I always a scapegoat to people’s aggression?
- Do I always play a mascot to people and never having others play one too?
- Am I always a victim by always complaining of what I do not have rather than what I do?
- Am I always trying to win and argument or feel as though I must be always right?
- Am I always trying to look too beautiful rather than being my self?
- Am I always trying to be so smart that I have no time to think?
- Am I always nurturing others and there is no one to nurture me?
- Am I always helping someone one that I don’t take time to help me?
- Do I always look for people to take care of and am too busy not able to take care of me?
This is where the healthy boundaries are. Learning to say no without being vindictive and understanding just like your self others need space, time and nurture too.
Starting today ask yourself what did you do today that you said you would do and really get it done. And how did you spoil your self today for example today I had a pizza and a coke while I am always dieting that was my gift to my self. Tomorrow while shopping for my doggy I will stop a Barnes & Nobel and get a relaxing book. The next day it will be Valentines Day and while I go search for the perfect card for my children. I will also buy something for my self that will make me feel good be it a little ornament for my door or even nice linen what ever it may be there will be a little for them and little for me. And every day I promise to ask the universe to forgive those who have hurt me. Because just like me they do not know what they do therefore, I am not perfect either. But tomorrow is a better day than today and Valentines Day will be even more special because I love me just as much as I love you. But if you don’t love me back as much as I love you that is okey because I love me just enough and everything else will fall into place.
And on Valentines Day the most beautiful joyous moment will be that I have another day with my son and another day in life with all of you. Because its not just about I love you’s but it is all about I understand you and am here for you if you ever need me. Though I am not always there but you are always there in my sprit and my thoughts even when my world becomes busy and even when I wrote this.. this is my heart and this is my soul but most of all this is my spirituality and this is my gift to you on Valentines Day and the only thing I ask in return is please love your self so that you can love others like the universe loves you … unconditionally.
This blog was aired live on Blog Talk radio on February 12, 2010, though it was a short segment thank you all for coming.
February 6th, 2010 Posted 9:01 am
Love Your Self
To build a long sustaining relationship we must have a relationship not only with the ones that we love but ourselves. We spend so much time taking care of others that we forget that we have needs that have not been met. Though we often have a tendency to push aside our needs that it becomes a volcano ready to erupt which only leads to conflicts in a relationship which could have been avoided from the beginning if only we had set boundaries.
Relationships are created because the person we are interested in fills the void which we were not able to fulfill ourselves. Our fulfillment is not always on a consistent level which we have programmed ourselves to do so when the other person is not consistent with their actions we feel that they do not care or perhaps if we do more then the other party will put more effort. However, we fail to realize that this is obsession.
In the previous chapters I have discussed that to control habits of obsession we must first get fired. This means that it is not our job to fulfill the other persons every need or get so involved in the other person that it directly affects our lives this will only lead to dissatisfaction. The second chapter emphasized on trying not to fix the other person so that they mold into our world, what we do not realize is that if we do not accept the person as they are kinks and all then we are not accepting ourselves within that relationship.
Human beings are very fixated on gratification that we all have needs that are often geared from within our selves and always looking attention. The disappointment becomes a habit so we are always in search of someone better or someone that is more perfect. But, there is no perfect person and you are NOT perfect either. There is only one perfect thing which is the universal energy. But even universal energy can’t help you when you are imposing another human being in place of it. So what is the solution?
This solution is simple yet very unique. The best way to love others is love your self and respect your self to its fullest. This means to find your own energy and the way to do it is:
LOVE YOUR SELF.
Through out our childhood we were often reminded how much we were loved or appreciated or we had no choice but to love our selves unconditionally. I am sure you remember the times when you had to make your own dinner, put your self to sleep, do your own homework, make your own friends, and basically take care of your self. We basically nurtured and took care of ourselves. It is not selfish to still do that but at a deeper level. When we give so much of our selves to others we exhaust ourselves emotionally. The emotional deprivation can lead to failing health, depression and even creating chaos in our own relationships.
According to Judy Hayes book Smart Love,”It is not selfish to nurture our bodies and spirits in fact only after we have nurtured ourselves can we be genuinely and freely loving towards others.”(2001, pg.49). But we are so used to having others nurture us that we forgot how to nurture ourselves so we look for others to accreditation by giving and hoping for things in return.
There is a old saying in the spiritual world to find your inner child, however this comes from child hood also meaning if your childhood was full of restrictions therefore, your inner child will to will be restricted. When you are nurturing your inner child then only can sincerely be nurturing towards others. We absolutely can not expect others to always place us on a pedestal and gloat us all of the time when and if we do then we will be disappointed and even when you do this can only mean that the other person is so desperate for a relationship that when they find someone better than you where they have not do it all of the time this is where they will go.
To be able to contact your inner child means to contact the universe by taking care of your self. Began with small steps without expectations such as:
Be with nature
- Take a 10 minute walk by your self and connect with nature. Try to increase this every week.
- Go to the zoo or the park or go hiking, running or just watch even children play
- Walk on the beach or a lake-make sure you sit down and exhale for at least 10 minutes
Be kind to your mind
- Take a 10 minute time out by closing your eyes and thinking about good things.
- Read a funny book for 10 to 15 minutes a day (laughter is a great medicine)
- Watch a funny show or at least try once a week.
Be kind to your soul
- Listen to soft music (instrumental please)
- Get on your knees and pray for peace ONLY.
Be kind to your body
- Stretch every morning or take Yoga Classes
- Go to the gym or exercise 20 minutes a day
- Cut back on sweets, salt and anything that is not healthy for you
Be kind to your heart
- Call up a family member whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say I love you.
- Call up a friend (not an ex or boyfriend) whom you have not spoken to in a while and just say hello.
- Call up a colleague or someone you connected on an intellectual level and ask them how they are doing.
When you take the small steps and do it without asking for one thing in return then you are ready to connect on a more complex level of connecting with your inner child. This means your thought pattern must change. This means also that you must look at each situation in a different way.
For example: If you broke up with someone and you pine over them. Our natural instinct forces us to think in a negative way so that we can justify the break up in our own mind.
Present thought process: I gave everything to __________. He/She never gave back to me. I really tried but I still do not understand why ____________ does not want me anymore.
New thought process: I did everything I could and I learned a lot. If I only known what I know now I would be a better person in that relationship. However, this is the Universe’s way of saying I still have a lot to learn and until I can truly apply what I know I can not practice with feelings by going back right away or obsessing over ___________ right now.
For example: If you are in a relationship with someone and they are not being attentive this is also a good example of a friend and relative. They do not either return your calls when you want them to or they do not call you back right away or they are not supportive of you and you feel like you are talking to a wall. These things may process in your mind such as:
Present thought process: When I call someone I expect them to call me back. I am always there for _____________, and they are never there for me. Perhaps I am too needy and maybe I should back off and give that other person some space. But I am afraid the moment they call me I will let them have it because it’s not fair.
New thought process: Maybe ____________is busy or the phone is out of reception area and I am sure he/she will call me as soon as they can because I know they know I have called. I will call someone else in the mean time.
Last example: I had something horrible happen to me at work and just needed someone to talk to and I just can’t believe that ________________ cut me off. They did not hear anything I said and abruptly said that they had to go and they are always telling me it’s my fault. Perhaps it is and may be I should not be so critical and I deserve to be disrespected because what comes around goes around.
New thought process: Maybe _____________was not in a good mood and they had a lot on their mind. Perhaps I should have asked if they were busy and now I learned. I will instead go for a walk or do some meditation because this is my problem and I have to deal with it my self.
These are perfect examples of having too many expectations of others as well as looking for approval from others. Most of the time when we do get approval it is not long lasting because when you bring up when they agreed as was there for you, they may say such thing as that is what I felt then right now I feel this way. This can only make you feel disappointed. As I have always said if you come from a dysfunctional family where there was not approval, affection or appreciation then most likely you will try to gain this from others and often times the relationship you are in will also become dysfunctional, and abusive.
An ability to talk to your inner child must not be in a sarcastic or egotistical way it must be nurturing almost like you are talking to child. Because you’re inner child has been hidden for so long. Be honest with your self; apologize to your self, reward your self, ask for your forgiveness, ask your self not to be afraid or have insecurities because the universe brought you here to have faith in it not others. Human beings are just characters in your world they are teachers, friends and especially those that you are suppose to learn from not necessarily someone you can always count on because they have a life too and sometimes you are not a part of it, this does not mean they do not care, but it means they have boundaries and they are also nurturing their inner child. If they are not then they loose not you because you will be that person who knows who you are and like any rose you will feed it, nurture it, look at it, and most of all fertilize it every day because that rose is beautiful rose and wants to be the most beautiful thing that the universe has ever seen.
Having said that… know I love you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart because you are now reading this and my energy brought you here that means that I was able to capture on minute of your time which means that your minute was ever most precious and I love you for it and I thank you for it.
Sadly, life caught up to me Friday night and I was not able to air the segment of this topic therefore, I have taken the liberty to post this for those who want to start working on step #4. I apologize for those who came to my show and I was not able to make it and I promise I will make it up to you.
January 31st, 2010 Posted 4:26 am
Step # 3
Lets have a Funeral
The steps to release tension of obsessions can be very difficult thus causing us to fight the urge to change however, I hope to bring positivity in your life and bring healthy relationship changes for a spiritual awakenings.
It is very difficult to control something that has been out ones control for a while. Its can also be even more complex if it is the only way that perhaps you may have thought it worked in a relationship. Often obsession is an outlet for our own suppression to a certain dilemma your lives and this is the only outlet that you can use without destroying your self but we soon find out it not only destroying us but destroying the people around us as well.
The steps to resist obsession or rather control obsession can be very intricate. Especially, at time we may find our selves doing the very thing that we said to ourselves we would not do. Instead of punishing our selves we may want to try to say, “Wow I caught it” this means you are aware of it and not in defiance.
Now that you are not in denial and you began the step work because you either realized that the behavior patters are not working and that the relationships you carry are not sustainable or stable. You may have also discovered that you may have been not as happy as you wanted to be in that relationship and you fought for a change but you may have thought it was the other persons fault because either they did not understand you, left you, betrayed your etc.
Though that first two steps were the most difficult in breaking the patterns of obsessions which were..
- To get fired
- You cant fix it
And now…Step 3 : Have a funeral
Now we are going into more personal nature it can only be difficult if you allow it to be but does not have to be.
We are all very weak to memories, some good and some bad. We also notice when we go to our relative’s homes or visit friends and can’t seem to understand as to why they keep things from years back or start talking about things that happen years ago and often we mistake it as lectures. But what we seem to not understand is we do the same thing. But sometimes those things we hold on to are not always good. Especially when it comes to old relationships memories, especially material things such as letters, pictures, clothing, emails, things that our partner gave to us etc. Matter a fact it is such venom that even after the relationship is long over we look back at the memories of that other person and never give a 100% to our new partner because we are always in a comparison mode.
Often times we must let go of patterns of behavior that is really unhealthy for us. Sometimes we need to let go of people that are unhealthy as well. Sometimes all as failed and the only resort is some sort of a funeral service. Whether you are a Christian, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or any religion it does not matter. What matters is how honest are you to your self to want to do this? The only way to bring healthy things in our lives is to understand everything in life dies.
We are so fixated to attachment to something to someone that sometimes we hang on to relationships because we do not want to be alone or hang on to material things because perhaps we can have that time back. But we can not recover the past, we can not be afraid of being alone because we all have been alone when we were younger and we did just fine. The world that you may have lived in was a fantasy can not be realistic now. You have to be healthy to bring healthy relationships but to do this we have to inventory our selves. There are only 3 steps of this inventory. Ask you’re self:
What’s so good about holding on to things or feelings of the past?
- What is the worst that could happen if I don’t hold on to it?
- What am I so afraid of? Is it because I know I am not perfect or he is not perfect?
I always say that the value of relationship definition comes from our own expectations, and it has been researched and theorized that when we have high expectations we always fail, because we are not accepting of a situation, person or place the way it is rather we are living in a fantasy where we mold it into what we think it should be.
To be able to disconnect the cord of dysfunctional tendencies we must disconnect ourselves from the material world by symbolically doing things on a physical plane so that we affect it in our spiritual plane.
When you realize the person whom are with is not really on the spiritual or emotional plane as you are and you know deep in your heart that no matter what you try no matter how much you tell that person how you feel it seems like a dead end and the only thing you are holding on to is the “honeymoon state” then you know it is really not meant to be.
When you realize that the other person has betrayed your trust or even that the other person is with someone else and going back and forth can not continue. The more you let go the more the person goes back and forth.
This is because you are attached to them on a physical world and they continue to destroy your spiritual world. The only you can detach is disconnect on a physical plane.
So lets have a funeral.. and here is how it is done.
- Gather every letter, physical items, photographs even gifts place them in a box and write a letter to the universe where you must release the energy of that person because you have to. It is affecting you spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. I personally have done this many times in my life not only with the ones I have been a relationship with but even friends because even friends have a way of darning you.
- Go in nature or even near a place where people will not mind you burning things or even your backyard if you have one. Remember they are just material things cost should not matter because it was real at that time and today is no longer real. Do not gas it but use camphor and light the camphor inside the box or boxes. Depending upon the number of items in the box it may take time. But be sure you place aluminum foil at the bottom of the box so that it does not damage the ground. During which time ask the universe to let the healing begin with you and the other party and help you forgive the other person for their actions and help you understand why this had to be let go. I have often done Astrotravel or even meditated during the burning process.
- After the items are done burning and even those that did not burn. Bury them under a tree or near things that grow. Make sure you place flowers on the ground.
- Make a few confessions to the universe such as I bury this which was once a part of my life now it has out grown me. Or Help me meet the person who is worthy of me. Or bring me solutions where my energy should go rather then focusing on others to make me happy or trying hard to help others.
Through these methods we allow the universe to pull away the negative energy from you and bring light where it is needed. According to Judy Hayes in her book Smart Love, she says “When you are letting of old beliefs and habits and began to replace them with positive ones, this is sure a sign that you are on the right road to recovery”(2001, pg 46). However the recovery begins with you. The longer you hold on to the past the more difficult it is to move into the future.
This type of behavior is not negative, rather positive that you are setting boundaries in your own life, because until you learn to love your self-you can not possibly love others.
Ask your self this.. do I want to continue to chase rainbows or do I want relationships that are the healing work of the universe? If it is the latter then ask your self can you go to step 4?
As you know prior to blogging, the first place this topics are announced is on blog talk radio, below is the link to the show. The show is only one hour long due to the fact of my own every day life exhausted me and many people were down because of the Full moon in Leo. I know full moon’s always exhaust me…
Enjoy the show!
January 23rd, 2010 Posted 5:06 am
Stop its not broken..
Do not fix it…
Obsession is not an easily control habit. Every one is obsessed with some thing in one way or the other and each and every one of us has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder of some sort. Though we may not see it or others may not observe it. Often times even our closest family or friends may choose to ignore or not notice it. Hence, they too may have similar defects, thus justifying your defects with their own.
How ever there is an intervention to this type of behavior. One of first step to stopping the obsession is to get fired this means to allow ourselves not to get so caught up in other people’s lives that we loose control of our own.
STEP 2: FIXING IT
The second step is to repair it if you have a degree.
What do I mean about degree or repairing it? In first step of controlling obsession, this topic was discussed but very briefly. It’s like any job especially those of prestige. For example we all play a doctor sometimes, we all play a repair person sometimes, we all try to fix things at times, and we think we can do it but sometimes in life we just cant. We are powerless over things which we do not know and pretend to do the things we can not do and often make fools of our selves trying.
In a relationship we want to be loving, nurturing, kind, generous, understanding and most of all compassionate. But isn’t it that we want the same from our partners? Men and women both have compassionate thoughts that we must be there for our partners at all cost this means to help them release their tension. And if we do release it and help them find an outlet then they will appreciate us more. But, we must realize a person should not love us for what we do rather who we are. This may be very difficult to swallow, especially with people with co-dependent qualities.
Co-dependent qualities are mostly found or rather being birthed during early years of our lives. Often times it stems from feeling helpless in our child hood times and feeling guilty of something that you were powerless over. For example children who come from families of alcohol, drug or abusive situations or even emotionally enhanced situations are more prone to feel this than those who comes form a stable environment. Often times these children will take it upon themselves to place the blame of the addiction, emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse on themselves by convincing themselves. By repeating, “If I had been a better son/daughter mom/dad/sis would not have done drugs or drank”, “If I had been there and been stronger perhaps I could have saved my mom/dad/sis/brother from being beaten or sexually abused.” There are many reasons why we could be blaming ourselves.
These triggers of co-dependency stem from our own dysfunctional thoughts that we may have not had the nurturing we wanted or we have been abused psychically, mentally or spiritually and place the blame ourselves. So it is natural to want to protect someone or fix someone or be the “helper.”
Often time this kind of behavior can either lead to the other person running away from you or they take an advantage because they too have been in situations where they may misunderstand your kindness for your obligation to them. In a relationship there should be NO obligation, it should be natural and it has to happen when we release these tendencies and focus upon being their, friend, companion, and a lover. Sometimes a good friend does not lift you up in a difficult situation but allows you to fall and waits for you to ask for help, and a true friend does not help but allows you to find your own way home and cheers you on when you are helping your self. A good friend says, if there is anything you need let me know. A good friend says, “I love you, please take care of you” and a good friend do not say, “Can I fix it for you? Should I do this or that? Do you want me to do this or that?” Most of all a good friend is simply by your side rather than impose them on to you and allow you the time and space you need to become a stronger person.
When we have fixed all our lives it is hard to break these patterns, but to do this there has to be an admission to want to adjust ones behavior. This means that you do not have to be the one that “saves the day”, nor do you have to be “Cinderella or the Knight in a shining armor”, because that is a fantasy land and it can only last for a short time. Because if you continue to save their day, then what happens when they do not save your day? When Cinderella keeps working until there is nothing left then what happens? The Fairy God mother shows her something else where she does not have to work so hard.
What happens when a Knight looses his armor? Inside that Armor he is just a man looking to be found but he keeps playing the Knight which he is not. According to Jody Hayes, in her book Smart Love, she explains that this attitude can become an obsession which can cause negative impact to relationships across the board. “It can wreak havoc with intimate relationships, in which the tendency is to confuse love with pity and therefore, to try to rescue those we love. When we behave this way, and after while all of our energy reserves are depleted. We have little left to give to others-much less our selves” (2001, pg.40). We can not fix anything we do not know how to fix.
In the first step of stopping the madness, I suggested to get fired or quit your job of being obsessed. I gave an example how you can not be a waitress when you can’t pick up after yourself. In the second step there must be an understanding that two people can not look at the same object the same way. There is always some difference. Just because you may have gone through a similar situation that does not mean the other person is going through it in the same dilemma or feeling the same as you had felt. If you have had financial difficulties in the past and you got two jobs to support your self, then you can not tell another person to do the same because…
A. They might not listen
B. That may think you are telling them what to do.
C. Making them feel inadequate.
Just because a person is coming to you to tell you about their problems that does not mean you have to fix it. Sometimes people just need to vent. This does not mean you have to fix it. It just means they have to get it off their chest. Unless you hear phrases like, “What do you think I should do?” or “Don’t you think..” or “ Do you know how ..? That is a person who may be asking for your opinion NOT to fix but just your opinion. You are not supposed to be their solution but someone who listens. Why do you think that going to a psychologist, social worker even a psychic is on a volunteer basis? Because they admitted they have a dilemma and they need guidance on trying to find out the root of the problem. They want direction. Also because it seems that you have already told them what to do or you did not listen. This is why I always say there is no black and white, there is no Yes or No’s it is the gray area that matters.
Between each story or a dilemma there are two sides, there is their side, and there is the other side and in between is the truth. When we befriend someone we do not expect our friends to always rescue us but we rely on them to be there for us. There is a big difference. A true friend/lover/family member may slap you hard verbally but that does not mean they do not love you. I am sure each and every one of you has had your mom scold you and the next day they told you they loved you. This just means they do not like the situation but that does not stop them from carrying for you. This is to just to say, figure it out and remember I still love you. Please do not mistake this for accepting physical or emotional abuse-it is a matter of metaphor, no one should take any kind of abuse.
Before one can be in a relationship with anyone, especially a romantic one, two people first have to be friends. This means since you can not fix you must learn to listen; if you want people to listen to you then you must acknowledge you have heard them. In the Reford Williams book, Anger Kills, he states there is “ABC of listening.
A. Is to decide that conversation is not about you or your experiences or your solutions and you can not associate the conversation is about you.
B. Before speaking your own mind, repeat to the other person what you understand that the message is. It may be redundant but you can place it in your own words so that person knows you heard them.
C. As you practice to listen and allow the other person the benefit of the doubt that you heard what they had to say. Then you embed the bonding and enjoy the world of not being the fixer” (1984, pg. 183). Listening is as important as being heard this allows more interactions of solidarity in any kind of relationship.
Often times, it is difficult to apply these tendencies because often times we don’t feel that we have been heard so we practice the “norm” which is to speak over them or become aggressive with our own behavior. However, you know being the fixer has not always worked for you because either it has killed the relationship pre-maturely or it has killed your affection. So, how do we fix our selves so that we do not continue to fix others? This is simpler than the first step and as you will notice as we continue to bring other step work it become easier.
- Instead of worrying about how the other person is feeling emotionally, mentally or spiritually, you must first work on your self so that you are able to help with complete discretion when they ask for it. This means take care of your self, get exercise, do yoga, and pray for your needs rather than wants. And learn to leave things in the higher power hands. As they say go with the flow.
- Instead of trying to help someone with their finances, take a deep look at your own see if you have any justification or stability to give them that kind of advise? Fix your self, stop spending, start saving, work hard, build a retirement fund, pay your bills on time, work a lot if needed to stabilize your own financial situation before you begin to be someone else financial advisor, you do not have a MBA if you did then you would not be listening this instead you will be living your life in financial comfort and letting things happen naturally. Opinions count but not advise.
- Instead of trying to help someone that has an addiction of some sort, try to find out what you’re bad habits are first and fix them, to be a expert you must learn to quit because you have no qualification to speak of this. Your experiences count not your advice.
- Instead of trying to find solutions of intimacy issues in the partner by helping them find medicine or to try to find the root of their problem try too look into your own. Ask your self the question what do you need to be satisfied? If you are not getting everything you need then are you reflecting this on to your lover intentionally or unintentionally?
- Instead of trying to find solutions for them do you have all the solutions in your life? Are you trying to justify your self gratification by playing God? Even if they don’t ask for it?
Always remember a person has to ask for help. You can not assume because when you do you often make a a.. of your self never the other person. You might want to consider that when a person is talking or venting, that they are venting, repeat what they said in your own observation, then you might want to re-phrase the answer “In my experience…” or “In my opinion..” or “I know you can solve this your self because you know what you need to do..”, “I don’t see a problem here because it seems you have it all figured out.. Why don’t you feel confident in your self?” or “do you really need my help?” A ounce of encouragement and acknowledgement goes a long way since we are all ego driven.
All this can not happen if you do not decide that you are NOT the center focus. But to improve our relationships there has to be a understanding, adaptation, improvising and transformation. Accept that these changes will NOT happen over night if it does it is premature and 99% of the time you will revert back to your old self. But most of all do you have the strength or the capability to improve even more by going to Step 3?
If you wish to listen to the live version of this topic, you may click on the link below. It was aired live on BlogTalk Radio on January 22, 2010 at 9pm.
January 16th, 2010 Posted 5:44 am
FINDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
.. IT BEGINS WITH YOU
Letting go of obsessive behavior patterns in a relationship is not easy. It can be very painful transition on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. But for this to happen we must admit to our selves that we do have a problem. We must also examine why our relationships do not fulfill us in the aspect we want it to. To do this we have to understand why we may think we are obsessed. But it is apparent that you may think that otherwise you would not be here.
To able to recognize obsessionwe must clearly define the word obsession. This means to understand it on a psychological level and physiological level. This means that an obsessed person may have to read and re-read this to clearly understand where it is they stand in area of their relationship as well as to understanding obsessive behavior patterns. It is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.
As discussed in the previous chapter, many psychologist, theorist and researchers have interrelated obsession to indulgence. Webster Dictionary defines obsession as “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation” (on the web). Therefore, agreeing that obsession is a feeling and we know that feelings are never consistent but always flux depending upon the relationship as well as the environment. Additionally, it has been proven that obsession is control geared through oppression of some sort. This means that obsession has oppressive energies we often constrain our selves without knowing it. According to Iris Young’s article Five Faces of Oppression, “While these constrains include distributive patterns, they also involve matters which cannot be easily assimilated to logic of distribution or decision-making procedures” (2004, pg 43). In easier terms Young is stating that oppression is a trigger which allows for obsession to constraints us. It also causes us to have only one way of thinking and logic is used only to justify our actions of obsessive behavior.
Though it is not easy to break the patters of these cycles it can be done. According to Jody Hayes, author of Smart Love, “this means letting go of our over involvement in the lives of others. It means letting go of depending on others for approval and of the need to have others act certain ways” (2002, pg37). There has to be some sort of consideration to realize our patterns through behavior. This is to embed the process to think about what we did or what we were doing before we got so involved in the life of others but it also means that we must admit that we are obsessive.
But to understand and admit that we are obsessed, there has to be a certain pattern that we continue to follow, which is to understand why we are never fully happy with our relationships even when things are going great. That the life spans of our relationships are short lived. Or that we keep going back to our ex only do end up making promises we can not keep, thus brining the relationship back exactly where it was when things got chaotic. Additionally, to understand and accept which is the number one step; admitting that we do have a problem is simply to recognize it first.
Though some of these questions may be redundant from the previous chapter,.it is important to go over them again because we must continue to recognize.
What is obsessive behavior in a love relationship ?
(from the beginning from 1 to 6 mo)
1. Buying your partner expecting appreciation and more affection in return.
2. Wanting to spend every moment with them and getting mad when they have other plans
3. Getting jealous when they talk about the opposite sex or someone they find attractive.
4. Getting upset when they do not return your calls right away
5. Getting upset when they do not invite you to a certain event or gathering.
6. Getting upset when they do not want to introduce you to their friends or family.
7. Getting upset when they have priorities in their lives and you are not one of them.
8. Getting upset when they don’t want you to come over or want to come over.
9. Getting upset when they are not always being feeling oriented (touchy feely)
10. Getting upset when they do not want to be intimate as much as you.
The obsessive behavior patterns in a long term relationships are often the same as the one in a brand new relationship however, the matters of commitments may be the core issues which causes insecurities. And by this time the oppressor has already failed recognize their obsession which was outlined as red flags, sending triggers but they choose to ignore it. Additionally, the suppressed enabled the oppressor by allowing this type of behavior and misunderstanding it as love and having hope it will change in the future.
Here are some of the issues of a long term relationship obsessive behaviors
1. Wanting to know what your partner is doing every moment.
2. Wanting to help resolve partner emotional, financial and spiritual issues.
3. Getting too involved with family and discussing your partners’ faults and looking for help.
4. Revealing your partner’s secrets to other people.
5. Wanting the partner to revolve their lives around yours.
6. Following them calling them and stocking them when they are being aloof and when nothing is found then making up a scenario to find out their reaction.
7. Trying too hard to fit into the friends and family circle of your partner.
8. Pushing for marriage when the other person is not ready spiritually, financially or emotionally.
9. Find the passwords of their email account or checking their messages if it be, text or otherwise.
10. Going through their personal belongings.
The worst part of this kind of behavior is that it can be difficult for a suppress to handle and often times they end up leaving because by this time they have lost all respect for you and their self-esteem is shattered so there is no room for real reconciliation because it is ego driven. The ego driven relationship could have three final conclusions:
1. The relationship happens very quickly everything happens quickly where two people could end up moving in together in a short period of time or plan for an engagement within months or even start making future plans which are to take place in 1 to 2 or even 3 years. They began to share finances, family as well as their own closet demons which they have not shared with anyone. And within a short period of time the engagement is broken or the suppressed moves out.
2. The relationship is not honest after some time the suppressed looks for solace in other areas of their lives by deceiving the situation through separating themselves from their partner in a indirect way for example, being dishonest, cheating, and being inconsistent with their behavior as well as communication. Additionally, they start hiding things from the oppressed waiting for a conflict to occur so they have a way out, not wanting to hurt the other person.
3. The relationship go into time out where now the suppressor has more control because the oppressor has felt so guilty that they try everything to bring the suppressed back into their life by making false promises. And the suppressed continues to maintain control by controlling the communication as well as the relationship. For example when things are good the suppressed actually wants to be with oppressed but when the pressure gets too much and the patterns are repeating then they run away again and again, therefore, there is neither real closure nor no real opening.
The question remains how does one stop the patterns of obsessive behavior? It has already been stated that obsessive behavior patterns is like a drug, you can not stop in an instant unless you have great resistant power. If you had great resistant power then you would not be in this dilemma. And most of all you would not be reading this unless you knew that some of the red flags are present. Like any addictive program it begins with steps and step work is very important for our resistance to negative patterns of behavior and a utility to bring healthy patterns in ones life.
First thing is to admit and get laid off from your job of trying to be obsessed and find another job which is to live your life before this all began. This means you are not your partner’s psychologist, mother, father, brother, sister, banker, maid, handyman, financial advisor, nor psychic advisor. You need not to solve any of your partner’s problems. If they ask for help then you may start the question by saying “I think…. , but I respect your decision” whether you like it or not it is their life. In turn they will respect you more by not trying to resolve their issues. Some people have the wrong idea that if they don’t help their partners or potential partners that the other person will feel that their partner does not care. A healthy relationship does not require obsessive behaviors. Detachment from the issues means to identify, my problems, his or her problems and our problems”, it also means to take care of your own needs so that the partner does not always have to worry about what you are doing and start fixing themselves and their issues. To do this you must..
A. Give them their freedom to do what they want whether you agree or not so that you are not their mommy or daddy.
B. Give them time so that they can resolve their own issues so that you are not their psychologist.
C. Give them respect by not enabling them by fixing their financial issues so that you are not their banker.
D. Give them their own pride so that you are not policing their lives
E. Give them integrity by letting them make their own decision so that you are not a nag,
F. Give them understanding so that you are not going around trying to help them make mends with their own conflicts with their friends, family or other relationships in their life so that you are not their mediator.
G. Give them respect whether they are correct or incorrect so that you give them honor.
Whether you choose to get fired or you quit it does not matter how you do it, what matter is that you do it, but remember you can not graduate or learn without doing your lessons and have the capacity to go to the next step which is to resolve issues outside of your occupation. So don’t go and find a job as a waitress when you can’t even pick up after you’re self. Most of all you can’t be a surgeon when you cant stand blood. Lastly, ask your self can I go to step 2? Have I learned or do I need to start all over again? But, most of all this worth it- Do I love my self enough to let the universe help me to get to step 2?
Ability to go to step 2 means that you are inviting ONLY healthy relationship that you are powerless over others, can you admit that? When you do then you are human and deserve respect and healing from the universe.
This topic was aired live on BlogTalk Radio on January 15, 2010 at 9pm EST. The archived clip link is below..
I hope you enjoy and decide to apply it to your life …
January 10th, 2010 Posted 8:56 am
Obsession We Are Creatures of Habit
Obsession is a very powerful; it emphasizes how we behave towards people, places and things. This type action or reaction can destroy not only our selves, our partners, families but also society.
Many psychologist, theorist and researchers have interrelated obsession to indulgence. Webster Dictionary defines obsession as “a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling; broadly: compelling motivation”(on the web). Therefore, agreeing that obsession is a feeling and we know that feelings are never consistent but always flux depending upon the relationship as well as the environment.
Obsession can also be core root of OCD, hoarding, depression, stocking, murder and even suicide. Sometimes the obsession become so intense that a person would go into manic episodes such as killing sprees and often time they become obsessed with control. Often time obsession occurs because of some sort of an oppression we feel within our selves which enables us to see things as they are and quite often when third parties gets involved they see things unlike those that are obsessed.
Since obsession is control geared, it has oppressive energies we often constrain our selves without knowing it. According to Iris Young’s article Five Faces of Oppression, “While these constrains include distributive patterns, they also involve matters which cannot be easily assimilated to logic of distribution or decision-making procedures” (2004, pg 43). In easier terms Young is stating that oppression is a trigger which allows for obsession to constraints us. It also causes us to have only one way of thinking and logic is used only to justify our actions of obsessive behavior.
In social prospective obsession lead to many incidents which originated between two parties which created a spiral of events that affect many societies and social groups. For example, some of you may not agree with my example but please understand I am only going by what I have read. The chain of evidence that has been passed through the criminal justice system may have been contradictory; some of it may have been facts some may have been altered but only OJ and Nicole knew the truth.
The O.J. Simpson Trial, made headlines in world wide news. Some called it a hate murder, some called it stocker and others called it a crime of passion. The crime of passion it was triggered by obsession. Many believe that O.J was so obsessed with his wife so much so that that he did not want anyone around his wife, ie friends, family, associates etc. with this wife. His record shows history of domestic violence with this wife over jealousy and control, and the more she resisted the more volatile the relationship.
The transcripts of his criminal records showed incidents of numerous threatening calls while they were divorced regarding her friendship with other men. The more she tried to resist him –the more intense his obsessive and controlling behavior became where he spiraled out of control. There were records of him sharing intimate conversations with his friends about Nicole’s past life and other issues which were very personal to her. He would make public how many he was dating just to prove to her that she was not that special
The power that was so crucial to OJ was to be a provider; to be the only man in her life played a crucial role to his ego. The more she resisted his controlling behavior the more enraged he became because she now had control of her life and she was moving on. What OJ did not realize is the damage that he had already done to the relationship through speaking about her in public, spreading rumors which she once thought were intimate in nature. What ever she did or did not do now became an obsession to his passion. The obsession now became the poison slowly killed him and if he was dying inside – then he wanted to blame or take care of the problem so that he would not feel sick any longer.
During the course of poison he drove by her home, he drove by the gym she worked out at; he drove by her parent’s house when she was not home. He followed her on dates and embarrassed her so that no one would see her. He would go to every night club, clothing store, grocery store and every where she went to the point that she had to place a restraining order out on him because every where she went he made a scene.
Though, Nicole Simpson never stopped loving O.J but she lost respect, which was to her more detrimental then love it self. The more obsessed he became the more fearful she was the more reports were filed against him. And when O.J could not follow her anymore, call her any more he found another out let for his suppression which was alcohol, drugs and women. Each and every one of them he could control or get lost in for a moment in time.
This example was given to show how control and obsession are intertwined. Because of this obsession it affected the entire society of L.A where the white community felt that justice was not done because of celebrity status and because of everything that happened with the Rodney King’s Trial and it was the way the justice system was trying to balance out the racial disparities. Not only that the children were divided but families were divided additionally societies were divided.
Similar things happen in love relationship when we are so intertwined with the other person that it directly affects our own environment or that we let the other person control our lives. Hence what ever they do directly affects the way we live our lives then we are opening doors to obsession. By the time obsession has streamed its way through the veins of our relationship we have already pushed away all the friends you have all the families and now you are totally intertwined in the other persons life so that we are living the other persons life and no longer ours.
Like a drug, some psychologist calls obsession as toxic and intoxicating painful as alter states in a relationship. According to Jody Hayes in her book Smart Love, “obsessive relationship to a high produced by drug” At first it may seem odd to consider the parallels between characteristic of more obvious forms of addiction such as alcoholism or cocaine addiction, add less obvious addictive characteristics can appear in personal relationships. It seems that some of us that were or are in an obsessive relationship it seems very exciting a state of satisfaction mixed with the lows which are not really in a healthy relationship. There are the high highs’ and there are no Low lows”. In an obsessive relationship we get hooked and this excitement brings the wrong impression of love. In these kinds of relationship we are so filled with insecurities and what the other person would do next is when we confuse love with obsession.
Often time’s obsessive relationships become passion very quickly and it becomes a primary focus of our lives. Because the physical intimacy is the primary and emotional intimacy is secondary and becomes premature like ourselves almost like a child in a candy isle. Many intelligent men and women get so intertwined in obsessive relationship that are not good for them that some people break loose very quickly when they see destructive behaviors which portray it self through control and domination and others caught stuck and get paralyzed so that they can not see the obvious. This kind of behavior continues from one relationship to the other and the relationship eventually fall apart. Some people are not in denial of their continual toxic cycle but they continue to go down this path because they do not know any other kind of behavior.
Even talking about obsessive behavior becomes an obsession so much according to Young, “they may feel they have used up their friends and can no longer turn to them”(2004, pg 93) Either way people feel isolated which only adds more paralyses and despair and oftentimes they go to psychics to psychics, friends to friends and psychologist to psychologist because they don’t like hearing what they hear. After a fortune is spent on false faith and chasing rainbows they come to realize they are now broke, going through depression and have no one left.
Surely, talking about an ex or someone that is in your life during the first month or two is normal because we may miss them or thinking about them but obsessing over them whereas the entire topic of conversation becomes about your ex or the current is not only abnormal but compulsive behavior. And frankly no one wants to hear a recording. Now instead of a person being in obsessive relationships where they are the oppressor now they become the oppressed. J. Harvey, states in Civilized Oppression,” The oppressed are treated with disrespect, moral rights are denied or blocked, their lives are deprived of proper fulfillment and they experience serious of frustrations and humiliation beyond all normal bound”(1999, pg37). These feelings not only come from our friends, family it can even extend out to our co-workers, bosses and even society, especially whom ever you talked to because other people have lives too. Obsessive compulsive behaviors can lead to your friends having disrespect for you and they laugh behind your back because you are obsessed and they may even humiliate you in public to show you that you have blinders on.
The obsessive relationships can cause some people to go into financial deprivation so bad that they may become homeless or jobless because they have spent all their money smoozing the relationship when it began by buying the person. And the rest of the money is used up by suppressing their desires by wasting it on drugs, alcohol, other women and even psychics. After sometime the friends don’t want to listen to what a the oppressed have to say so the don’t go out, the oppressed are too embarrassed to face anyone including strangers in fear that they would be spoken of badly. Though the oppressed know it is wrong to behave such in a way that it sounds like a wiener or someone that is obsessed, they continue the compulsive behavior and end up in a massive depression or even committing suicide and by that time no one really cares because they gave up on them. The last memories that your friends would have of you is a person with obsessive, compulsive and obsessive disorder.
How can you see obsessive compulsive behavior? I had already mentioned that obsession is a form of oppression and it is a drug, therefore it must be treated like a addiction and one must go through the twelve steps with complete due diligence.
Since the twelve steps are so very intense and complicate change for those that are used to a certain behavior, it is my goal to discuss what is obsessive behaviors in a relationship almost like warning flags then step by step, I will discuss resolutions that will help you not to be in a obsessive behavior patterns or help you through breaking away the chaos in your life
What is obsessive behavior in a love relationship (the beginning 1to 6 mo or new)
- Buying your partner expecting appreciation and more affection in return.
- Wanting to spend every moment with them and getting mad when they have other plans
- Getting jealous when they talk about the opposite sex or someone they find attractive.
- Getting upset when they do not return your calls right away
- Getting upset when they do not invite you to a certain event or gathering.
- Getting upset when they do not want to introduce you to their friends or family.
- Getting upset when they have priorities in their lives and you are not one of them.
- Getting upset when they don’t want you to come over or want to come over.
- Getting upset when they are not always being feeling oriented (touchy feely)
- Getting upset when they do not want to be intimate as much as you.
The obsessive behavior patterns in a long term relationships are often the same as the one in a brand new relationship however, the matters of commitments may be the core issues and insecurities. Because by this time the oppressor has already failed at least 3 or 4 things that send a trigger but they choose to ignore it, and the receiver may choose to ignore it too because they accepting the situation hoping that it will change or it has already ended. Here are some of the issues of a long term relationship obsessive behaviors
- Wanting to know what your partner is doing every moment.
- Wanting to help resolve partner emotional, financial and spiritual issues.
- Getting too involved with family and discussing your partners’ faults and looking for help.
- Revealing your partner’s secrets to other people.
- Wanting the partner to revolve their lives around yours.
- Following them calling them and stocking them when they are being aloof and when nothing is found then making up a scenario to find out their reaction.
- Trying too hard to fit into the friends and family circle of your partner.
- Pushing for marriage when the other person is not ready spiritually, financially or emotionally.
- Find the passwords of their email account or checking their messages if it be, text or otherwise.
- Going through their personal belongings.
I will discuss in the later chapters how to change these tendency step by step and I hope when the process is done that you go through your check list and are able to see these patterns and bring healthier patterns to attract love and keep love.
This topic was discussed to its depth on my January 08, 2010 show on blog talk radio, if you wish to listen the link is below.
December 15th, 2009 Posted 7:31 am
Relationships and How our expectations kill our most important relationships
The Most Recent topic Discussed on Blog Talk Radio are listed at the bottom.
Chapter 1 of 6
As young children we were taught how relationships work by our parents, guardians as well as our siblings. During the course of learning we were also encouraged what relationships are? As the dynamics of relationships began to develop with our most important people in our lives as children we mold certain expectations with the closest people in our lives ie to be protected, fed, clothed, educated etc. We are also taught manners and expectation of manners goes hand in hand.
Often time we grow up molding the ideology in our every day lives and have the same expectations of our lovers, family, friends and sometimes our co-workers and bosses. But we seem to forget that sometimes we do not come from the same generation or the same morals as people we involve our selves with. This becomes escalated inner conflict and outer conflicts which can destroy relationships.
Surely, we all have expectations- we would not be human without them. As we wake up we want the sun to shine and we want our home to be intact and we want the support of our family, friends and lovers, however, we can not always have that because we are not the center of the universe but the opposite-the universe should be center for us.
In Indian cultures, we are very high context culture whereas; we steer away from conflicts of all kinds, and often seek wisdom through our elders or our own higher power. The value of family honor and respect is the grassroots of our culture. Sorry, or compensation does not work in our culture, those to us are words. Our actions speak louder than our words on a daily basis. Hence we have expectations of our selves and those to our family and friends that all would be respected, honored and cared for even if they harm us through words as well as actions. We believe that for every pain that is inflicted on us by another human we will be granted sanctions through the high power by not retaliating or having a tit-for –tat actions. That in silence we will have resolute and time it self will heal our wounds as well as giving wisdom to the other as to why things happen the way they do. This is why some people consider us quite people.
Contrary to the eastern culture -western culture which is a low context culture is more verbal, and respect and honor are earned not a part of the grassroots. Sometimes when we withhold expressing our selves in a heat of anger we often escalate conflict more than we should or need to.
I am not saying either culture is correct the topic here is expectations, so how does this expectation create conflicts in our lives? When we meet a person we are independent in thought, body, mind and soul and accept the person for who they are paying no mind or attention to their idio- sycriscities, because it’s so new, fresh and good. As our relationship transits phase one of relationship conflict begins. The more time we spend with one or more people the more expectations we have and the more sacrifices we make expecting the same in return. This paradigm shift began a whole new series of phases which can lead to destroying the relationship.
Next articles I will shift the focus into phase two of the conflict within relationships and how expectations can destroy the innocence of faith which is the basis of all relationships.
Until then, I hope that this finds you motivated and looking forward to a wonderful December even Mars takes the best of us.
You may choose to listen to the show on Blog talk by clicking below.. the first show had some kinks due to virus and Blog talk technical issues but we got by …Thank you Janet and Mike
Chapter 2 of 6
In the last blog we spoke of expectations. As you are aware I spoke a lot of culture. But I want to break down culture and the chronology of expectation in the simplest forms. So, that a better understanding in your life is much simpler as well as how you conjugate situations.
Both my sister and I have studied culture to its extreme since we are both a part of a culture that has certain expectations of us and how we could change the perception of culture. There have been many books written about cultures some which are scholarly and some that are fictional base. I do not trust any that is no researched and the basis or premises are on fictional base. One of the most sought out book in areas of culture is written by Kevin Avruch, whose books were a basis of studies conducted by the United States Institute of Peace Press. Avruch begins his research on verities of culture and the approaches of culture and found that “culture is as dynamic as derivative conception of individual experiences.”(Avruch 2000: x). Thus culture is really a plagiaristic individual experiences, something that is learned, created by individuals themselves or passed on to them by social context or ancestry. In addition culture is seen as some thing as unstable or homogenous than as projected by societies. Therefore culture is homogeneous (behavioral), it’s a thing (with independent human actors), it is consistently distributed through the members of the group (effectiveness of behavioral uniformity), it is a synonymous with group identity ( ie Indian, American. Name of the culture or originality), it is a custom (what you see is what you get) and most of all culture is timeless (its about here and now). We all belong to a culture and subcultures which create a proactive role to create expectations. For example I am a Hindu living in America with Hindu parents. Thus I have a culture that is Hindu and a sub-culture that is Western and another sub-culture that is Brahmin. Thus my primary culture which is Hinduism and Brahmin will proceed/ encourage expectation than those of subcultures. Having that let’s break down the expectations as Hindus would relate to.
Boys and girls in the Hindu environment are mentally structured to place expectations as follows in this order:
- Expectation from God
- Expectation from our Parents
- Expectation from our culture
- Expectation from our lover/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/companion
- Expectation from society.
One of the most important aspects of the Hindu culture is its uniformity of religion. We do not go to our temple once every Sunday and feel that God will forgive us. Instead our religion expects us to worship our deities on a daily basis, and have conformity in our lives in return our deities expects us to be honest, compassionate, humble, educate our selves, respect others, nurture, and learn from our experiences. Whether someone has been bad or mean to us we must learn to forgive and never take revenge as our refuge. Our deities also expect us to sacrifice our selves to our for our children as well as our parents, family virtue and customs are the grass roots of our culture, thus allowing us to be consistent and choose humility over matter. We are also taught that we can not idealize people in our lives except for our parents. We can not place any humans in front of our deities and faith and if we do then God always teaches us lessons and makes us re-learn faith and consistency. Though our deities are not punishing deities but they are learning and relearning deities.
In every day learning experience we shall never be involved in a co-dependent relationship hence this means idealizing another person and putting them in front of God. Co-dependency and obsession is a form of self disrespect and as God respects you, how can you expect him to perform miracles or heal you when you are placing someone else in front of him? A healing or miracles never occur in an obsessive, manipulative or destructive relationship. Healing always occurs when you meet the expectation of God by transforming your self into a humble and self caring individual who has faith that God will help through mourning or laughter.
Therefore, I want you to consider the notion every time you call a reader to ask your self the questions: are you obsessed? Are you placing the other person in front of God? Is your every movement based upon the other person’s actions? Have you stopped eating and resting? Have you stop enjoying life? If any of these are true than you are in a idealistic mode, hence it will only delay the progress of healing a relationship rather than obsessing. Self respect is a urgency to every God whether it is Jesus, Mohammad, Ala, Buddha, Ganesh or any other spiritual inclination which you practice. Please understand the difference between nature and nurture you must have both to complete your self and your relationship.
If you wish to listen to the archived show on Blog Talk Radio please click on the player below…you may stop the recording at any time
I personally want to thank Janet Moon Production for helping me make this show happen… Many thanks
Listen to Psychic Productions
Chapter 3 of 6
Though I have written expectations out of order there is a reason so that everything synchronizes as it should. In the past blog I have discussed how expectations can destroy relationships and how they are intertwined with our own self autonomy. I have also followed the patterns as expected from the Hindu culture and the 5 expectation and how we have to chronologically respect them. Once again they are:
- Expectations from God
- Expectations from our parents
- Expectations from our Culture
- Expectations from our lover/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend and or companion
- Expectations of Society
The guidelines of expectations of God was already recovered in my second blog expectation of culture was discussed in third, now we come to a very sensitive and more subtle expectation which of our parents.
This expectation can have the most negative impact in our lives or for the positive, either way they are the grassroots for our own journey through life. If any one has been in a dysfunction situation where any negative conjugation has occurred. Usually it spills into our own children (if we have any) or even our own friends and relationships creating a flow of insecurities, co-dependency and abandonment issues. Often these issues can suffocate any relationship even those that have absolutely no love in common.
Our parents are our teachers from the time we are born to the time that we die we continue to learn and reminded of our culture, behaviors and values that have been instilled in us and how we must practice them by our parents. I will not go too deep into negatives as far as expectations are concerned, since it can be quite a controversial and touchy subject which should be discussed within the family or therapy if needed. I will only dive into the surface of expectations from our parents.
As we grow from child hood to adolescence we expect our parents to protect us from what most children call “the boogey man” or “the bad guy” the typically depending upon how we are raised a certain values are instilled as we grow up. Girls are forced to play with things that are feminine such as Barbie dolls and pebbles etc and boys are forced to play sports and be involved in studies. In the Indian Culture especially boys are turned into men at a very early age. And girls are women as early as 10.
Most Indian parents are following their ancestry of up brining through their own experiences whereas boys are men and they must support and be intelligent and macho, and girls they are dainty and they don’t need to be smart only thing they need to do is smart enough to marry and bare children since girls will soon be women and they must bare children if they don’t it would be considered a taboo. As both genders transcend the expectations become overwhelming.
In America or lets broaden the horizon by rewording in the “western culture” most parents spend a lot of time up brining up a child (please know I said most parents) they make sure their children are fed that no matter what gender they both go to school they are learned mannered and labeled as “kids” even after they are grown up. However, often that label while in dispute can often be “he/she is just a child” this label remains until 10-15 then it transforms to “he is a teenager what do you expect” this label continues from 15 to 20. And from there it is there is nothing I can do “he is on his own” from the age of 20 through how ever old one is.
However, in India boys and girls are NOT considered boys and girls they are considered as possessions of “my daughter” or “my son” no age is taken into consideration. The expectation that these boys and girls have are the same as those in the western culture, which is to be loved, nurtured and to be happy. But often that innocence is broken girls are often married into a family as early as 10 and often even give birth as early as 12 or 13 and boys are also married off as early as 14 to 15 and are fathers by the time they are 17 to 18. There is no innocence left behind. Though that the marriage issues have changed dramatically that a girl has to 18 before marriage these things continue in the Indian Society.
Having said that what are we to conclude do we differ and go back to the concept of culture? Or do we accept situation as they are accept the fact that children have more power over us than they did when we were growing up. And we often ask ourselves why? There are many simple solutions and this where we cross the boundaries between expectations and raising a child properly. If we were to the equation of Indian children and Western children and just look at children and parents, we all know that there is a form of discipline some are disciplined with love but most often it is negative. I am sure you all remember those belts and the smacking, the scoldings and most of all being grounded. Do you ever wonder why we do not do that in this day in age to our children? By having the extremities of discipline were we better people in society did it really make a difference or is that we give our children more freedom because we had none? There is no control over children now these days more and more children kill each other because there the love is missing, the boundaries are gone and most of all there is no discipline because we are afraid to be to harsh. So can we say that it was missing we had so much of it when we were growing up that we do not want to do the same our children but to remind them of how we were treated?
And furthermore what are our expectations from parents? Well I believe it all depends, if you are over 30 on there are none because I truly believe the only thing we expect now is respect all the other things are gone through nostalgia and we carry with us the pain and happiness which we take into our own children. And what are the expectations of a child under 30, I can’t help but to laugh to say EVERYTHING: Love, money, freedom without boundaries and expectation not that expectation of them to you but visa versa. Who do we blame for this chaos? I can sincerely say NO one. Only because it is not our fault that our parents instilled into us the discipline without love that we carry to make sure our children have what we did not. And it is not our parent’s fault that it carried through generations through generation.
So as parents and as children the only expectation we should have is emancipation of practice of religion and having faith that everything has its own purpose and only we change and break the pattern of dysfunctionality not through violence or regression but through peacemaking process and affection.
I can only hope that this blog allows you to look at life in a different prospective and we (if you are a parent) must stop blaming your self and encourage every positive endeavor of your child. And as children I hope you understand different generations or not parents must be respected, honored and loved just like they love you but they just don’t show it like you do.
I anticipate this finds you in good health and prosperity and the next subject will be on expectations of relationships. This will be a very interesting topic.
My God always bring you peace and serenity and may you find the answers in the Devine.
Thanks to Janet Moon production I was able to air this live from Tampa Bay Florida, if you wish to listen to the live show you may click on the player below
Listen to Psychic Productions
Chapter 4 of 6
On my last blog as well as last show which aired on blog talk radio on December 11, 2009, I revisited the previous topics of expectations of culture, expectations of God and spoke in-depth about expectations of parents.
This weeks topic expectation of our partner/lover/companion or of husband or wife, which may brings forth many emotional issues which can be devastating for many of us. Therefore I am going to try to break it down into categories.
Expectations as we all know are also gender related and submerged into every relationship through experiences and learning through culture, social and family lives. For example if a boy is raised in a society where narcissistic and control personality is a norm, then these will be practiced through out his life. This will be even more prominent in his relationship where he may show behaviors that are controlling and authoritative.
On the other hand it can be the very opposite; and it all depends upon how it his childhood affected him emotionally. If a boy witnessed his mother being beaten by his father then he would choose to do the same or the opposite depending upon the conclusion of the relationship with his mother or the closeness he has to his father. If he was in a family where there was not that much love shown or expressed he may choose co-dependent relationship. Or if he was in a home where there boundaries and love he may not understand that different people express differently.
Iif a girl is raised in her family with abusive parents she may be timid through out all of her relationships with the opposite sex or she may be very cold or ruthless depending upon how she can adapt to her social environments. Girls and boys are raised on systematic cognation where there are a certain roles which boys and girls must adapt to. Girls are raised to be caretakers, emotional, beautiful, smart and must carry her self in a lady like manners (ie cross her legs, ware high heels, must be submissive) but most of all be mothers. Whereas boys are raised to be in an image of macho-ness, materialistically stable, educated, emotionally detached. Boys are opted by the social prospective to be successfully, financially successful and be great husbands and wonderful fathers.
McKay in his book “When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within”, states many people go through struggles of independency of thought and behavior pattern even as they get older. McKay states, “Some children live most of their lives in the shadow of intrusive or abusive parents. And even when the child thinks she’s escaped by marrying and having her own family the intrusiveness continues.”(1999, pg.3). These expectations and behavior patterns can be very crucial aspect to healthy relationship. Many people who have been victimized emotionally, physically or even spiritually will have a difficult time in a healthy relationship until they learn to place boundaries within themselves and expect less of their partner.
Often times in these conditions or the circumstances we have higher expectations of our partners such as expecting them to be there for us all of the time, call us most of the time and when they do not comply or fulfill our expectations it is an automatic trigger of insecurities and creates sabotage in our own most personal important relationships.
In my years of experience of being a psychic I have listen to many relationships falling apart because of expectations and there are many reasons why but summing up some of the most important aspects of dysfunctional relationship issues have been revolving around giving too much or not giving enough.
A functional healthy relationship takes work sometimes more worth than we anticipated. More so than ever it takes money, time and emotions and 70% of relationships break up because of finances. Men and women have been both have a made the mistake of buying their partners. Jody Hayes in her book “Smart Love” uses her experiences to identify expectation and co-dependency as all in the same. Hayes states, “I learned that my extreme “generosity” was not always motivated by noble intentions. Often, I gave to others to gain their approval and acceptance and to boost my self-esteem. I learned that part of my need for privacy and for a sense of self-containment was generated by my poor self image. I just did not want anyone to become aware of my typical human flaws. I learned how my unwillingness to let anyone see me as I am had locked out the possibility of genuine intimacy. No one can love someone he or she does not know and no one knew me. I had made sure of that”(1989, xxii). In my own experiences I have seen many women buy their men and visa versa. What I mean by this is if the woman does not have money she will go out of her way to clean, cook and be the motherly type and if there is money to be spend they will max out their credit cards and their savings to buy anything their partner wants, and men do the exact same thing. But what ends up happening is that there is an expectation of receiving the same in return and often times the partner takes an advantage or they do not see the energy their partner has put into pleasing their every senses. Thus causing the partner who has given too much to feel used or even feel as though they are not appreciated.
This is not because the partner does not appreciate the things that a person does for them rather often times they feel that it is done as a kind jester only that it is what love is all about giving and this is how the partner shows his or her love. Therefore, everything in life including giving must have boundaries and everything in life must have discipline.
Surely culture and family does mold the way we relate to our partners a perfect example of this is could be a man should always pay when he take a women out. The macho image created by many societies is not wrong but it can be taken rather out of context. The society is changing there is nothing wrong with going Dutch or if a women ask a man out there is nothing wrong with a women paying. If women want have an equal role in society they should also practice this. Yes, I am a liberal feminist and believe that equality should not be picked and chosen rather it should be consistent as a straight line. However in the same instance a man should not be expected to pay all the time nor the women. This is where the expectation of cultural and social expectations lays hands in expectations of the individual. Whereas women would say “I can’t believe that he split the bill” or “I can not believe he actually made me pay” or “I can’t believe she did not even say thank you for dinner” even “damn I spent $100.00 on her and I never saw her again.” These are all forms of expectations. These are all signs of negative social expectations.
Someone once said to me if God asked a Man I will give you love but you have to give up your car, home and everything you own materialistically, the man would say “hell no.” But if the same question was given to women she would give up even her shoes to have the love she wants. Yes this is the 21st century and times have changed but have they really? I say not every woman wants a prince charming to sweep her off her feet to give her the security she needs and every man wants Cinderella who can give him the love he needs and in return allows him to be the man he wants or needs to be. I remember even one time one of my old boyfriends said to me , “you make me want to be a better man” this was not because I had expectations of him nor was it because I gave because that relationship was the most innocent relationship where money was not of a value it was time, space, respect and honor.
I am not suggesting that men and women should have expectations in regards to spending money on each other or even spending money for each other but giving expensive gifts in the 1st to 6 months of a relationship is nice but often time it can be taken for granted that either that person has money and it is ok to take an advantage or ask for it or that without even knowing it the person is proposing wrong signals of a deeper commitment which could cause the person receiving the gift either run away or expecting the same all of the time even when money becomes difficult to come by during hard times. So if you do not want to give the wrong signals to your significant other lower the expectation so that if the person does not give back exactly what you gave to them you won’t be disappointed unless you have money to blow and if that is the case than chances are you are not reading this and don’t care to because you believe buying people is the only way to have love in your life.
Thanks to Janet Moon Productions I was able to pass this message to many people on Blog Talk Radio (See below for direct link to the show). Thank you Spider Mike and Cheryl for making this show fun even if we had a serious topic. Listen and you shall hear for your self how much people vary on their topic of expectations..
Chapter 4 of 6
Expectations, has many parts however, in a love relationship or even a companionship expectations are very crucial part of love as well as disorder.
I have discussed earlier that finances, time and emotions are all very critical part of a love. I have already discussed how finances lead relationships to be misinterpreted, break up or even create the partners to feel unappreciated or used.
However, time is just as crucial to a relationship and it is also gender driven. For example though men and women, boys and girls have been socially separated in substance to time, it can be assumed on psychological level men and women have the same needs. Thus, creating vast amount of conflicting energy, whether to move forwards or slow down the relationship.
Depending upon how both genders are raised, the effects will ripple through their relationships with their mates and friends. If a child is raised in an environment where the parents have not spent enough time with their children they will also use this behavior as a norm in their relationship. Spending less time with the one they love. There is nothing wrong with that but it may be seen as a selfish behavior pattern to their partners if other partner wants to spend some time with them.
In the same respect if a child is lacking the “togetherness” in their family environment, he or she may revert to spending a lot of time with their mates even in the beginning of the relationship and may want more than their mates can provide in areas of time. This can become very toxic if the other person is not willing to give the same or they does feel the same.
The need of time is crucial in many areas of a relationship for example if a boy is raised where he sees that his father spends more time with his friends he may revert to do the same in his relationship where he may place the women as secondary. Or if woman has lacked attention from her father she may revert to want to spend more time with her significant other to replace the attention which was not given by her father or fatherly figure.
In a psychological terms time can often refer to as Proximity. In Julia T Woods, book, “Gender Lives”, she states, “proxemics refer to space and our use of it. Space is primary means through which cultures express values and shape the patterns of interaction. And different cultures value different norms” (2001, pg135.). For example in the Western culture depending upon the family values set forth a traditional way of life may be that man will ask a women out on a date and depending upon how much interaction was developed within that first date will determine their next visit. One must also consider motives: if he is wanting a relationship he many not focus upon a sexual interaction on the first date. Rather give the woman respect by being a little reserve on the first date.
In the same instance however, a women may be the aggressor and may use these sexual tendencies because she may feel that if she lets down her guard to a man she is attracted to than perhaps he might want to call her or see her again. Often times theses types of interactions may cause some misinterpreted feelings. If the man wants a relationship and the women decide to have a sexual liaison on the first date (which is quite common now these days but can be very dangerous) the chances are no matter how good the interaction is he may not view her same and this goes both ways.
If a man becomes the aggressor in first date sexual liaison, a woman may feel that a man is coming on too strong she may push him aside thinking that, the man only wants her for physical interaction. Therefore balance is an absolute necessity. Expecting to see someone the next day after the initial date depends highly upon the interaction of the first date, and it also depends upon what a man or a woman would view as a relationship. This leads right back to his/her interaction with family routes and cultural normative.
For example in the Hindu culture it is very rare for men and women to PSF (public show of affection) it is also vary rare for men and women to sleep together on the first night. Additionally, it is also vary rare that men and women would see each other immediately after the first date and even more rare if the man calls the next day. Hindu cultures believe that the process of the date must be digested and to have a relationship is a step by step process with balance and space. This means we do not smoother each other rather we make a slow steady transition.
When starting a new relationship, quite often men/women treat it like marriage that one must spend all their spare time with that person in fear that they may loose them. This is a very normal complex thinking process. But often when women get too close too soon with a man it becomes a sign to run. In the book by Doug Robinson, “No Less a Man”, Robinson states that when a women gets too close to man and those feelings become so intense almost too close almost as close as his feelings for his own mother, “It is creepy, frightening, anxiety producing just in thinking of it-and the first impulse is to run from any idea of it” (1994, p.215). This is when a man needs to step back This does not mean that the women came on too strong or does it mean that a women was a failure but a man need to differentiate that you as a women are not their mothers rather a companion to them.
Within a day or two or week or to and sometime even a month or two he can come to terms with his feelings that either the relationship will continue where it left off or it may never go in the direction because they can not separate between someone who wants to control him or he wants to be the supporter. This does not mean he had a SICK relationship with his mother it just means that the motherly role in a boy’s life really marks how he relates to relationships, and this can only be analyzed or understood by his behavior in the first time both of you had alone time together.
In the same notion a woman may want to see her date the next day again or at least hear from their date that night because she may believe that there is mutual respect and emotional bonding. This does not mean that she is being leachy it is general characteristic and it is normal in Carol C Gould book, “Gender: Key Concepts in Critical Theory”, Gould states, “because she feels the necessary bond that ties her man regardless of reciprocity, and because she is often very pleased with her role as the Other”(1997, pg9). The have a need to hold on to it and nurture it through communication and touch.
Men and women have changed their roles as the transitions in life became more settled as far as equality is concerned and there has been a vast amount of research done. About the interaction between two people during courtship in a sense that a man may reverse the role with a women if he does not feel sufficient in society and has a need for appreciation. A man who is lacking their economical or social patriarchal stanza in society may become the rescuer type. Whereas he may be the one would want a phone call the next night or special attention the next day etc. This does not make him a less of a man, it just means that he is looking for the strength and acceptance that he is liked or adored. Some women may call this kind of man aggressive, possessive or needy. And some women may like the attention; however in a brand new relationship it may be dangerous, if the feelings are not mutual or identical.
In new relationship and I am being very particular about new (1st 6months) it is crucial that time is balanced. When relationship becomes an obligation that is when red flags develop. When a partner imposes you to spend your entire spare and moments of your time with them through means of manipulation or guilt trips, these are warning flags that the relationship will soon become toxic very quickly. Where is no “my time” or “your time” there is only “we time” thus forcing us to mold into other persons expectations and needs and placing ours secondary. And our obligations are no longer of a importance and making the other person as a pedestal in our lives instead of a balanced situation therefore instead of you being in a relationship the relationship becomes you. Which may also cause our priorities become unbalanced pushing away our families and friends making our mates a number one priority in our live, and slowly those important relationships which made us who we are diminish through time.
Through these dysfunctional activities and behaviors especially if the relationship does not work, the important people in our lives have already left because we have already pushed them away. What gets left is family and even that interaction has diminished because we did not create balance in our lives enough so that family members feel equally important as our mates.
Additionally if the relationship can go by in the first few stages of balanced time and moves one step higher to marriage that balance must be consistent especially when children are involved where there is “my time” there is “your time”,” we time”, “our time”, “family time” and “friends time”.
But if a relationship takes over our lives so much that we are submerged into what the other person is thinking, doing, or is going to do and what they will do or not do then we are living through them and we are no longer ourselves and to bring that balance back is a very difficult process . In the mean time we have lost our mind and spirit by idealizing the relationship and we have now became addicted to the other person and spend 24 hours thinking and revolving our lives around the other person and we have lost all self control and personal power, sometimes to get out of this type of obsession takes months sometimes years of therapy, spiritual cleansing and spiritual reconciliation with our sprit.
Whether you are in a long term relationship or just met someone always communicate your needs and always compromise the need for time which are concepts of “my time” “your time”, “we time”, “family time” and “friends time”, without this the relationship can deteriorate very quickly. And often can lead to abuse which can be in a form of, physical, spiritual or emotional because we have spend all of our time giving away our personal power and the weakness of our fear of loosing someone and are afraid to be alone submerging our selves into being exactly what the other person wants us to be rather than who we are or used to be.
You may choose to listen to my show on blog talk radio with the link below
Thank you Janet Moon and Mike for being there for me and Cheryl you were a great helper!!
Chapter 4 of 6
Part C~ Emotions
I had discussed earlier chapters that expectation in a love or relationship area has three elements that can also bring toxicants to a relationship. These are financial where there has to balance meaning that just because a person buys an expensive gifts does not mean the other person is appreciative and just because a person does more that does not mean that the other person is going to love more or give more. To eliminate feeling that you have given more or feel used give humbly without expectation. If you buy your partners by showering them in the first few months of a relationship you are giving the wrong impression. It may be advised that there should be balance in every kind of giving.
The second topic was of time. In every relationship time should be also balanced. Forcing another to spend time with you because you are lonely or you wish to fill a void or rush a relationship may cause a relationship to die faster then the efforts put into the relationship. Additionally if spending time with the other person versus spending time with your family or friends are on a contingency or obligatory level this will also be a toxicant to the relationship. If there is no balance of time between family and friends versus partner then there is no respect for your self as well as those who stood by you. So when things are finished or even when things began and you push away your friends they too will disappear and families will feel neglected. Therefore, it is suggested that a relationship should have a slow steady process. So that respect in the relationship is earned when each partner understands that there both of you had a life prior to meeting each other and that life must be maintained, honored and respected.
The third and last topic of expectation is emotions which have many parts and I will break them down so that it is more understandable. Unlike financial and time issues of expectations in a love relationship had a common element that was gender but in emotions, gender is completely separated into the masculine world and feminine world. These issues are driven by patriarchal societies which created the imagery that men should behave one way and women another through media, and relations of others in society. According to Phillip M Backlund, “Readings in Gender Communication”. Blacklund states: “Prior to 1970, femininity and masculinity were viewed as polar opposites and defined as the appropriate sex roles for females and males, respectively. The more females and males exhibited behaviors, appropriate for their biological sex, the greater there social acceptance”(2004, p19). Thus understanding that men are more introverted and women are out spoken. But this can also change depending upon their upbringing and social interaction. Women are driven by emotions and men are often driven by logic and determination. This not to my personal opinion to say that women are dumb and men are smarter but the media and society streams these messages therefore only solution is to act upon them and embed them in our families, culture and values that we hold.
The social aspects of the macho image in the 20th century into the 21st century epics these issues for example movies such as Apocalypse Now, Ben Hur, The Blade Runner, The Godfather and The most famous movie of all time is The Gladiator. But these macho images are not just imbedded in media but it is also in literatures, religious readings as well as theoretical readings. Naturally, it is obvious that men are geared towards certain emotions and behavior patters because of these stanza’s created by images. It is not that men can not be emotional nor will they be in private sectors but the process of thinking which has been embedded is much more distant than those of a women. For example, a woman my feel the need to express their emotions to a man by wanting to “talk” to express her emotions and find a solution or compromise when having a disagreement where as a man may feel in three words, “I am sorry” is enough. Even if a woman is not in the wrong, women have a tendency to be emotional because they are naturally born into the role of mediators which derive from compassion, compromises and being motherly. And when they feel that they are not being heard or when a man feels that his ego is being damaged this is when conflicts escalate. And this escalation leads to heated emotional exchanges.
We must remember, emotions are our impulses which react to situation in many different ways; however some of the most critical issues of emotions and expectations are those of anger. Most of the time when our expectations are not met we can either choose to be angry or disappointed and often drown in self pity. The justification of disappointment usually leads to anger and goes through the steps of ABC, in Conflict resolution theory this is called a circular interactions which lead to conflict. The conflict theory is based upon the concept our Attitude towards a certain situation leads to a certain Behavior which can create or not create Conflict. However often times if a conflict has already reached climax this theory can not be applied thus creating a spiral so large that even communication can not break through and this is where the concept of time is required. But by this time too many words are said that have cut the very surface of a good relationship.
In any relationship it is easy to say emotions justify anger which leads to violence and emotions leads to self pity or nagging or shut down of communication is false. In Matthew McKays book “When Anger hurts” he states, “Anger is basically a matter of choice. It is determined by your thoughts and beliefs far more than your biochemistry or genetic heritage. Venting anger rarely leads to any real relief or any lasting catharsis. It leads instead to more anger, tension and arousal” (1989, pg20). It is also researched that 80% of arguments that created in a relationship are not driven by the issue that is being argued about it just the catalyst which lead to topping of the volcano that was already ready to irrupt.
One time I remember I had a client call me up and ask me if his girlfriend was going to call because they had not spoken in two weeks and he left several messages for her to call him and while I was doing the reading I discovered that he had dishonored her. So I asked “why does she feel that you did not respect her feelings?” He said, “oh my God really?” I was dazed could not understand what he meant, then he continued, “After a long day at work I decided I was going to watch Sunday night foot ball with friends and when I got there I really did not feel like answering so I ignored her because I really did not want to deal with her because I was having a bad day I did not answer the phone the first time. Then the second time I told her she was being a pain in my a.. Because she called two times in 2 hours and when I asked her what she wanted she said she was worried about me because there was a snow storm and she wanted to make sure that I was ok. I told her that she needs to stop being my mother and be my girlfriend and I was old enough to take care of my self. And told her I had to go because boys need to boys and today is Sunday, football day and jokingly I said, “Scram” and I hung up the phone. And When I got home one hour later I called her almost a dozen of times and she never picked up.” So I asked, “What exactly are you looking for? We must be specific. You want to know when she will call or what is happening or?” He said, “I want to know when will she return my call and is she seeing someone else?” Because I knew him so well, I said “Look there is an old saying that when you assume you make a a… out of your self never the other person. Did she give you any indication that she was seeing someone else?” He said, “no but she wont return my calls and I have not heard from her in two weeks and every time I have gone to her job or her home she said she is busy and that we will talk later. That is very weird. You know what I mean?” I stated, “Hmmm. Do you remember what you said to me about the phone call you had with her 2 weeks ago Sunday? And if you had said this to one of your buddies what do you think that they would do?” He replied, “my buddies would not give a rat a.. They know I am kidding and this is how I am” I said, “ok” so now “how long have two been together?” He said, “About 4 months.” I said, “Ok. Who knows you better, your friends or her?” He said, “Of course my friend.” So I said, “Ok if you did the same thing to a perfect stranger what would you think they would do or rather if she did this to you what would you feel?” His voice started to increase the pitch and he replied, “I would say f.. Um! I would never speak to them again.” The moral to this conversation is that men and women do not think the same nor do they express their emotions. Men may consider this conversation with his girlfriend as someone who is being a nag and women may consider this conversation with his girlfriend as he is being a jerk. It is natural process for a woman to worry, to be compassionate, and to communicate and it is also natural for a man to be assertive and be non discrete. Though its may be natural it does not justify our actions towards are partners. Sometimes in a relationship we must really consider the opposite sex as the other. Brining into the relationship that perhaps the other person is not calling to check up but could it be that they naturally care? We must be all very careful with our vocal cues; aggression may not be accepted very well knowingly or un-knowingly.
The vocal cues are also another concept of emotions whether we notice or not two people can say the same thing but mean differently for example: if a person says, “Don’t go there!” and another says, “Don’t go there.” Our pitch, rate, volume, non words, articulation, enunciation and silences are also emotional cue of conflict or understanding. In Judy Pearson, book “Human Communication”, Pearson states, “Vocal cues are important because they are linked in our minds with a speakers psychical characteristics, emotional state, personality characteristics, gender characteristics and even credibility”(2003, p.119). So when your voice pitch is high this can reflect aggression or assertiveness. Also how you speak does matter too, if you are speaking fast it usually can mean that you are detached to the subject and being very objective or nervous or when it is low it could mean you are being very serious or the subject matter is very personal to you. Additionally lack of sound or silence can also be a cue for disruptiveness.
One Christmas, I had a very frantic client, who called and said to me. “I like to find out if my boyfriend is seeing someone.” I said, “Ok.” So as soon as I began to read I said, “Is he traveling?” She said, “Yes! He is going to visit his mother for Christmas and its about 600 miles from where we live and I am so worried because it showed on television that there was a terrible crash on the highway and many were injured.” I said, “OK”, with a little bit of silence I said “have you called him 4 times? And why would he think you are angry at him?” She said, “Yes I called him 4 times and the first two messages I said for him to call me because I am worried. Then the last two messages I was really angry and told him that he was being a a.. Because he won’t return my calls and I hope that he is having a good time messing around and the last phone call I really cried because I really think he is doing something and said goodbye.” I sighed for a moment, “I said now I have to ask you a question which is very important and hypothetical, let’s say he did not have a cell phone which before 1990 there were hardly none and lets say that even if he does, could it be that there are dead zones anywhere where he is traveling?” She said, “OH MY GOD! He is in a rural area I know exactly where he is at. OH MY GOD! We have driven through that area and I lost reception for 100 miles because my phone beeped during the entire time trying to find my carriers signal. OH NO! I made such a jerk of my self. Please Maharani, tell me what to do?” I said, “Hmm as you know you cant change the past what is done is done but always remember it may or may not be forgotten. And what do you think you should do?” She said, “Call back and apologize?” I said, “That is a good place start but your emotions are all over the place. Step back. RELAX and how long does it take for the entire trip when you guys traveled?” She said, “About 9 to 10 hours.” I said, “Ok, if you were in his place what would you think and do? And I want you to really think about it and remember your emotions are lead by your actions and do it with honor and respect and let your ego down.” She thanked me and we got off the phone. Three weeks later she called back and stated after he came back from his trip they talked and worked things out but he warned her that he does not know how to handle her emotions. And all this happened because of silence.
Silence, is also many people is a killer to relationship, but different society may refer to silence as positive and others as a negative. For example when in a conflict occurs in the Western society, if a man keeps quite and does not communicate a woman may think that her man does not care and disrespects her and that he may have someone else within days of the conflict. Whereas, a man may consider it as “time out” or that he needs to give her time to cool off. And if he is really upset he won’t talk to her because he does not want to say something that he will again later regret. Because of these mixed messages often times either one or the other will communicate if the silence goes on for too long eventually they will find another. Not because they want someone it is often considered a rebound venting machine where all there time will be spend talking about the situation and trying to get a clearance from another person that they are justified in doing what they did to make the other person look bad or to have someone on their side. And those relationships often do not work, where they end up going back to their ex or that they find someone new all together because they accomplished what they wanted to.
In the Eastern society, silence is a virtue. When in a heat of anger often time’s men or the women will get cues from their significant other and they will stop talking sometimes for a long period of time until the other person is ready. This often happens in families and even in relationship, they just exist and those emotions brew and often times never forgotten, this goes back to the concept of culture where honor and respect are grass rooted into the family and cultural derivatives. If the relationship is solid enough the conversations after a great deal of silence will often open up through friends or family interaction and the topic will never be brought up again for discussion unless one of them brings it up and it is often swiped under the rug as a character default that we either choose to accept them as they are or step away and never come back. But because relationships are greater value in the Eastern culture the love is always unconditional, but honor and respect is based upon actions rather then words.
Because emotions are the basis of our actions and how we react to also it too has many parts to it. Emotions lead to anger, dishonor, abuse, and dysfunctional tendencies in relationship. Next time you are angry at your partner ask your self if the anger is really because of what has occurred or not or is it from something else all together different that has bottled up for so long ready to explode? It does not have to be partner derived it could be family matters, financial matters or even things that you are personally going through, but quite often we have to dump and often times it is the person we love the most or someone that is ready to listen and when they don’t we become angry and bitterness which leads to chaos in a relationship that can be very hurtful in the long run.
You can listen to the show on Blog Talk Radio with my Special Guest Lee Stillwaters thank you Lee.
Below is a link to the live show on December 30, 2009.
I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and prosperous New Year.
Chapter 5 of 6
Expectations of Society
The last chapter of expectations points directly to our society which is ground work of our culture. Almost every society is patriarchal in nature. Thus embedding it self into the grassroots of how a person will or will not behave. Our social life is communication driven through male and female interaction. This type of behaviors allows a man to behave one way and women to behave another. According to Sandra Bem’s book The Lenses of Gender, “Social life is so linked to this distinction that the all encompassing division between masculine and feminine would still pervade virtually every aspect of human experience, including not just modes of dress and social roles but ways of expressing emotions and experiencing social desires.” (1993, pg.3). Therefore, naturally the society directs the way we express and controls our every experience.
By all means I am not saying that our society is wrong nor am I saying that society should not maintain some sort of order in their citizens lives, however, it can be said that the more moral perspective which are placed on their citizens of society the more they become a mere number or a place holder within its existence to power. For example how many men come forwards and say that they were raped? Not many why? Because society naturally figures that a man should be able to control him self because he should be strong and therefore he has a power to resist due to the nature of aggressive control. In the same respect how many times have you heard about successful women in the business world? It was not until the 21st Century that women were recognized as being successful. This can only lead to separation and gender polarity.
It is very difficult for a man to be compassionate and emotional in public in fear that he may be called as queer or gay. It is very difficult for women to be too independent because she may be referred to as a bitch. It is ok for a man to be promiscuous but if women is than she is called a slut. There are the issues where society polarizes gender. Which makes it very difficult for a man or a woman to be expressive which forces expectations into a interpersonal relationship because a man is suppose to do that or this and a women is suppose to be that way or this way. So it can be assumed that society has more control over what people do and whether we know it or not we are puppets in society. We can choose not to believe it and justify it as a norm or we can choose to change it, because only then can expectation can be recognized or not.
Could you imagine for one moment that if we were not taught that a man has to be the one that takes care of the women financially and that he has to play the protector, then don’t you think that there would be fewer expectations from women? Or even if a woman was not always hemmed to play the part of a person that worries, being a motherly mediator, then perhaps the society would not consider the women timid and always needs to be rescued? Perhaps then may be even men would view a woman as that of a person who is trying to express her self rather than being a drama queen or a nag?
Every one of our expectations are learned behaviors and they begin with society which imbedded the messages through literature and media through our ancestry. Through the process of survival of the fittest which means that the stronger gene lived. These expectations became even more complex because society went through a transformation. Though the original message of polarizing gender segregation was still present, the social laws made to those expectations, were further deeply rooted. Despite of the fact that the agents of society have changed, agents are the messengers. This is to say that they are the messengers of our evolution and our expectations. According to Anthony Giddens, Introduction to Sociology Fourth Ed., he states that “Agencies of socializations are groups of social contexts in which significant processes of socialization occur. Primary socialization occurs in infancy and childhood and the most intense period of cultural learning” (2000, pg94). This coincides that our ancestry learned their expectations and norms from their family, peer relationships, mass media, and work.
It was not until the 70’s that people in society began to break away from the structure society. During the 70’ our society began a movement of actually releasing the chains of confinement through massive movements of change. These movements marked societal change which was a making of a big history. It included such as things as feminine movement, the gay and the lesbian movements, and freedom of speech and toleration of what citizens of societies should expect through marches of political union. Yes, in the 60’s and 70’s, though some of you may not remember, was a time of breaking away the norms. And it was the catalyst of change. These changes hence grew in to a more rapid independent society but the independent citizen still suffers today.
These social perspectives have given shame of certain behavior. The taboos that are grass rooted are that a father can not be at home and take care of the children, and women can not be the big executives and are often snubbed by society. Though society does accept this behavior, they often do not approve it. I am not saying that everyone does not approve nor accept the concept of a stay at home dad or the concept of a women being a provider, but a majority of society would consider this kind of behavior to inadvertently create a weak family. The weaker the role of a man and stronger role of a women, the more impartial the relationship becomes as well as the more abnormal the family norm becomes. This creates separation of classes as well as gender relations, so the Cinderella story and the Gladiator experiences, becomes a cancer to our minds, which never is healed.
The only way to break away from the norms of expectation which are driven by social and cultural perspective, is that as parents we must learn to adjust ourselves so that we are do not live as the “norm”. As partners we must know that men do not always have to be emotional but if woman talks to the man at his level he can understand that his behavior is socially driven norm not something of choice. And the man can adjust his reaction to by actually trying to listen to what the women is saying not how she is saying it, then perhaps silence ,anger and hurtful words will not kill the relationship and pour poison down its veins.
We as people also have expectations of society. These expectations are very difficult in a patriarchal society where change is slow and is difficult because many of the citizens today are from the old school (older generation) and this may be all they know and this is all they are used. Assuming that this type of behavior and expectations worked before which may have brought structure and respect. Trying anything different may change it too much where “I” can’t adjust. Though baby boomers have really progressed into changing the living expectations of their children in the same hand it also back fired too. The newer generation seems to have less respect for their elders; this is why the shows like “The worlds most strictest parents” was developed and also giving a welcoming audience of “Maury”, especially maternity shows where a women are not sure who the baby’s father is because of her promiscuity, and where who men come out of the closet are the best sellers.
So are we giving our children the wrong messages, or is the society giving us the wrong messages? Is the society saying that women seek attention by being considered a person that has “been around” and can not be trusted, and are we saying that men that are “coming out of the closet” are wimps and also can not be trusted? So, what kind of message is it that we are receiving and are living?
In a perfect society men and women want to be heard, but do we want listen? In a perfect society we want equal pay, but yet we want to de-root the grass rooted idiom that says because it’s a man he should make more, and women have slept their way to success. In a perfect society we want equal justice, but we want to justify our actions because of our perception that emotions lead a women to crime, and women are crazy because they were powerless or are emotional, or that the men have anger problems or are sexual a perverts. In perfect society we want our children to have what we did not, but we continue to live in the have not’s. In a perfect society we want to be accepted for who we are as individuals, but yet we want to change into societie’s image of what we are” supposed to be”. Some in many other societies may call this hypocritical, and some may just call it crazy. But what we are expecting from society really stems from what we are, and what we will accept.
The question is: do we really have expectations of society, or do we just accept society as it is, because that is the way society works and we fear the change to be different because we may not be accepted?
It is ok to be angry but it is not ok to bring the entire social circle in an argument. It is ok to feel that you are not being treated right by society, but it is not ok to bring violence to hurt others because you’ve been hurt. It is ok feel that you are dealing with deep issues, but it’s not ok to justify these issues to create violence against another. So how should society deal with this? The only way possible is to bring moral laws to bring structure, but how many moral laws do we really live by? The more resistant to change the more moral laws are mandated. And at the end we only have our selves. What we expect from society is what we should expect from ourselves because, each and every one of us as citizen have created the society and accepted the norms.
If this made you roll your eyes or nod your head or even made you think, then I have succeeded because whether you agree or disagree it is a matter of choice or acceptance. And like my ancestor said in 1948, “Be the change you want to see in the world” Gandhi.
Gandhi stated to his people in India, that without history we do not exist and without people who made the change we can not learn. Also that each and every one of us has a purpose in life through which we create and discover, but it is up to us to find it and make a difference, recognizing that everything we do, say and don’t say is important.
Even though our society is big, everything matters. But even if everything matters we do not have to be violent, thunderous, powerful, educated or rich, but you do have to be committed to or want a change. Each and every one of us must accept responsibility and never say “it’s not my job” because that is a cop out. You do not need any collaboration or any one’s consent: always remember that if it is meant to be than it is up to you.
Don’t get so caught up in how things got to be where they are; think about what you want to change and why you want to change it and how you suppose the end outcome should be. Everything you do your self will be gratified as long as you leave no stone unturned because, leaving situations in someone else’s hands and trying to resolve the problem became more prominent than to making the right decisions.
He continues to say that we should not wait for things to be proper because whenever things change it is not a pretty sight and things may never be right. He quoted Teddy Roosevelt when he said, “Do what you can, with what you have and where you are.” The only way to understand and adapt to change is to always remember that the beginning of any change is to be aware that change is happening, and just how can we be aware changes are happening if we do not see them? Often time’s we have a negative perception of change which is to look at what is wrong and what is not working, and not looking at the possibilities. In order to have change in your life you have to accept the change in you, and can’t expect others to change and when we change, everything else changes and in doing so we become the change that we want to see the world to be.
If you want to hear the archived show of January 01, 2010, on this topic the link is below
Again thank you Lee for coming by and thank you Mike for making it entertaining.
Tags: buying partners, Expectations, Family time, giving too much, High expectations, Hindu Culture, loving relationships, loving too much, Low expectations, Manipulations, mis conception of a healthy relationships, Our time, Parenting, PSA, Relationships, Society, Time in a relationship, Time with your partner, Understanding, We time, Western Culture, Your time
Posted in Love and Relationships Written by: Maharani Rutan
November 19th, 2009 Posted 9:18 am
I am not a expert in love and I can only share with you the experiences and teachings of the Gita and those people who have taught me to love or often even direct me to love however, there is a difference between toxic love and a obsession of wanting someone. I have read many books on love and everyone has their own say so on what is a healthy relationship but it must be taken into consideration healthy is a self reflection.
The most important parts of healthy relationships are what I will touch upon and expand from now until the end of the year. Following are the idioms which cause most relationships to become dysfunctional and toxic and these are the very same ones that we often use and we do not even realize that we are doing it.
- Reinforcing Codependency- you may say things such as, “he/she is not the person I want but they will change”, “if he/she would only stop doing… (including affairs) we would be happy and lastly “I would really be a wonderful person if I was in a relationship” all these are signs of co-dependency. I reinforce this through my teachings and learning’s and experiences which I even catch my self from doing and retract before the signs appear.
- Bury the past- If you have broken up with a lover often times we hold on to their things or their belongings and wait until upon their return but when it happens we bring up issues of the past which create a fire in a volcano ready to explode. Either you must be ready to bury the past upon a lover return or prepare for a ceremony. Yes, ceremony either you send everything back to your ex or I mean everything not leaving any signs of him/her or burn it if they do not want it. By releasing it you are releasing negativity into the universe and saying to your self you are not going to tolerate this person in your life again. But remember when you do this there are ramification which I will speak more about in time.
- Love your self- One way you can share your love with someone is to love your self. There are 5 words that must be taken away from your love language which is “always”, “never”, “could have” and “would have” these are direct words that are never consistent and often point to ones self. By loving your self you are not placing another on a pedestal yet allowing faith to be positioned in your life. One of the most important aspect of loving your self is ask for help but don’t expect your problems to be resolved, and always remember your lover is NOT your venting machine and you must remember that there are issues you can solve your self which will lift the burdens and pressures off your partner to resolve them for you and giving you both time to enjoy each other instead of having drama.
- Release your patterns of the past- It is apparent that the things you had done in past relationships are NOT working therefore, this is why you are where you are and that means change the pattern. If you are always the one to apologize when there is a argument between you and your significant, then perhaps practice affirmative statements such as “When you do this… I feel this.. because of this (do NOT bring past relationship or anything) this should be how something affects you.
- Define your boundaries- This is a biggy! Often time people come to me and state that the other person is being really controlling etc. Well this is because boundaries are not clearly discussed before a relationship begins of course as time passes within the relationship boundaries will be restructured and we will have more than one boundary, however before you set the boundaries you must set your self in check. DO NOT ignore your feelings, DO NOT justify your actions because you feel the way you do and most of all IT IS not ok for someone to hurt you.
Please remember I am NOT a psychologist but just a person who is brought up on a spiritual inclination of peace and love and unconditional love comes from self autonomy and if we loose that than we obsess over things and actions which drain us spiritually, emotionally and lead to physical decline.
November 19th, 2009 Posted 9:09 am
There are so many times people ask if a person that they love, love them back. This so difficult to answer because often times love is molded into what one perceives as love not necessary the same in everyone’s eye. For example a mother many love her child like anything in the world but may have Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, this does not mean they do not love their child it is that they are sick. Love is psychological it is a feeling often times these feelings can be very over powering in the negative sense and often times in a positive sense.
Both of the negative and positive feelings can be venom to a relationship. The negative feelings which are often over powered with venerability are a derivative of negative actions which could manifest it self into jealousy, insecurities, need for power as well as vulgarity. This does not mean the other person does not love them it just means that they are often afraid of loosing them selves or feel weak in the relationship in those substantial areas which create healthy relationship such as trust, stability, respect and honor is lacking within themselves. Often times these are due to past issues when has no bearing on the other person actions.
As human beings we all have a tendencies of jealousy, insecurities, and need for power in one time in our lives if we did not have them we can not look at our selves in the mirror and change them and better ourselves. It is how we display them and how it could affect our relationship. These are self image issues and often when we can not deal with them we try to find things that are really not there. One of my caller said to me in a reading “but why is he acting so mean? I was just looking to see if any females were emailing him by hacking into his email and I just followed him a few times because I want to be sure that he was not doing anything.” I hesitated in my reply only because I could see with red flags where this relationship was going but I can not judge. And I asked her a simple question which may have thrown her off, “let’s say that you did find something. Let’s say that he followed you and he hacked into your email. In both instances I want you to find the balances, respect, honor and stability” I made sure she did not answer me but to go within her self and find the answer. And before we disconnected I specifically told her if you do not find the balance it is not necessary your fault it may be that you may need to take a deeper look if you are being fair to either one of you if not let your action speak and ask your self how much are you willing to give up for love?
In society we are always geared towards people with positive energy or those that bring love and honesty into our lives and we all have a tendency to keep those types of people under any condition. If we are vulnerable and going through a difficult time we are naturally going to hold on to those who give us solace, respect, peace and happiness. But at what price? At a vulnerable state we often mistaken kind gestures to love or want to take the “friendship” to the next level only to find our selves being embarrassed or hurt when the other person is just being nice.
The million dollar question is what is love? Love is a feeling. Love is changeable. Love is environmental. Love is misunderstood. Love is independent. Love is self centered yet giving. Love is sacrificial but most of all love should be unconditional.
The only way one can really understand love is often that we have to do an inventory of ourselves. In my teachings I often recommend to my clients have a sheet of paper out and create two columns, fold it in half so that you do not see the other side. Make a list of 20 things which you expect out of your potential or your mate. Leaving out financial and physical attribute because these are changeable through financial gains or medical improvements, remember love is about sacrifices and expectations everyone has them. It can be things like; I want to laugh with him. I want to travel with him. Etc. These are almost your wants but be sure to include I do not want him to be jealous or things that may have irritated you in the past. This process could take some time because remember these are things that are important to you. Honesty is the best policy and no one will see this but you.
After having to make a list of things which you expect out of your mate now it is your turn. Flip the paper make a list of things you are willing to change ( it is usually things you know that you need to change to have a healthy relationship). You can derive these things by looking at your past relationship and seeing what others may have pointed out to you and you have agreed that has caused problems. Remember 20 things and once again honesty is the best policy.
This type of exercise is very important because it allows self reflection and also helps you attract those that will bring you a healthy long lasting relationship if you notice many of these things you are about to write are displayed on many dating websites. Why? It allows self evaluation. Once you have completed the form you are once again going to do self evaluation. You will come to realize that perhaps asking for 20 things is a little too much and that some of the things you expect out of another is a little unrealistic as well as 20 things for your self. This happens and it’s a good thing, because in a healthy relationship if you expect too much out of your partner than there is no individuality rather you want them to be a puppet in your relationship and if you give up too much this means you will be in a co-dependent relationship where you loose your self in the relationship. Therefore, you will end up with 10 things on each side and now is time to compare. Whether you are with someone or about to meet someone or are dating someone check your list and see if that those traits are applicable in your relationship if not the question is are settling for less because :
A. You do not wish to be alone
B. It’s hard to start over with someone else.
C. Perhaps the other person will change in time.
***These are all very good excuses to stay in an unhealthy relationship.
Using your judgment and intuition and taking an outside approach is always the best. Love is absolutely unconditional and love can have expectation but not unrealistic expectations. You will meet many people, and you will love many as well but to what price and your energy, expectation and how well you carry your self is the type of people one attracts. So the question is what is love?
The million dollar answer is love is defined by the individual based upon their actions and their world view of life. The definition of love is in the present (how you feel, secure/insecure, happy/unhappy etc). Love lives in the past (how you interacted with others and how you have been treated). Love is in the future (how much and how far are you willing to wait or understand whom and how to love). Love is ultimate sacrifice and a beautiful union.
Love never greedy but giving and most of all love has no conditions love is just love a feeling which overwhelms all of us at one time in our lives. And how much you love your self reflects how much you are willing to love others and how much you are willing to let go with love.
I hope you take the time to do self inventory and know that even though I am NOT in love with you.. I do love you** J